Jesus did a Clint Eastwood

timism of the day: Jesus did a Clint Eastwood

I love this story about a businessman who was traveling and landed at an airport who caught a taxi to take him to a hotel. It was late at night, he was tired and it was dark. He gave the taxi driver the instructions and sat in the back and closed his eyes. Neither of the two spoke for 15 or 20 minutes, but after several minutes the businessman remembered a question that he had so he tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder, nearly scaring the taxi driver off the road…and he swerved to the right and he swerved to the left and finally he got the car under control and pulled over to the side of the road. Then he turned over his shoulder and looked at the businessman and said, “I’m sorry for that reaction, but you need to know that today is my first day as a taxi driver, for the last 25 years I’ve been driving a Hurst”.

Well he’s not the first, nor the last to have a moment of fear.

In the bible (Mark: 4:35-41), there’s a story of the storm in which the disciples of Jesus find themselves on the Sea of Galilee, a famous lake, which still exists today and is known to quickly churn up storms that reach waves of up to 10 feet tall or more. Can you imagine if you were one of the Disciples of Christ in what was typically in that time frame a 30 foot long wooden fishing boat? Up 10 feet…down 10 feet…up 10 feet…down 10 feet, over and over again, makes me kind of nauseous just thinking about it. They were afraid for their lives, so what did they do? Probably what any of the rest of us would do, they panicked and turned to Jesus for help. Does anybody here know what Jesus was doing? Snoring! He was sound asleep.


The thunder roared and Jesus snored. Seems that way in our lives sometimes, doesn’t it? Things get bad, unpredictable, rug gets pulled out from under us, drama and trauma happens and problems begin to inflame us, undo us, burden us, scare us, entrap us, and steal our peace, our sleep etc…etc…etc…The thunder roars and yet Jesus seems to snore!?! As if He doesn’t notice, or care, or perhaps we get the notion that He’s not even there.

The disciples were troubled by the fact that Jesus was sleeping through this terrible ordeal, so they woke Him up and asked Him. “Teacher don’t you care that we’re about to perish?” And when he got his wits about him he woke up and looked at them and said, “Now, why are you afraid”? After He asked the question He then spoke to the wind and spoke to the waves and everything became still and the disciples looked at Him and said; “What kind of man is this that even the wind and the waves obey Him”? It’s interesting how Jesus was so cool. He didn’t put on a show, or make a big hubbub about it. He did a “Clint Eastwood” and spoke, NOT YELLED…spoke to the wind and the waves and all became still. We love that story because it’s a story of fear and everyone here can relate to fear. And boy isn’t there plenty of things to be afraid of today.

· Right now in our world 1 billion people are hungry.
· 2 Billion People are desperately poor.
· In the U.S. alone there’s 32,000 suicides per year with suicide being the 4th leading cause of death in 18-65 yr. olds and 1,500 suicides per day.
· Males are four times more likely to succeed, but females try suicide two times more often.
· Yet, this is supposed to be the wealthiest country in the world. Everybody is jumping our borders, yet there’s more suicides here that any other country in the world.
· They’re talking layoffs at work.
· Slowdowns in the economy.
· At this moment, the National Debt is 8 Trillion and climbing 38 Billion dollars a day. · There’s deployment to Afghanistan.
· Dictators collect nuclear warheads like others collect fine wines.

And the plague of our day “Terrorism” begins with the word TERROR. After 911 there has been a 40% increase in fear based disorders such as panic attacks, anxiety attacks, OCD, PTSD and GAD. GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder feels like when you lean back in a chair and lose your balance for a second, except with GAD, you feel like that for lengthy periods of time. Can you imagine? Think of the toll that takes on your energy, your body, your sleep, your thinking and eventually your immune system and sanity.

WE ARE AFRAID!
· Afraid of going broke.
· Of being left alone (One of the biggest fears of all is to die alone).
· Of finishing last.
· Of failure.
· Of success.
· The mole on the neck.
· The tick of the clock as it takes us closer and closer to the grave.

And Consequently:

We take more mood altering drugs than any generation in history, but it doesn’t seem to help. Research tells us the children today have the same level of fear that psychiatric patients had in the 1950’s. Thus we have children at 7 & 8 years of age with ulcers due to stress. I recall a scene from a movie I watched recently were a 13 year old girl who had attempted suicide was talking to a psychiatrist who was asking the girl, “What could you possibly be so upset about that would give you reason to attempt suicide. You’re just a little girl, you haven’t even lived yet. You’ve never had a job, a boyfriend, a mortgage, your parents are loving and supportive, you seem well liked in school, you get excellent grades…I don’t understand. Nothing traumatic has happened in your life. Why?" The girl looked at him with a knowing look and stated, “Obviously you’ve never been a 13 year old girl before.”

You know, the average age in America these days for a child to become sexually active and get involved with drugs and alcohol is 13 years old. And these statistics are conservative because people don’t willingly divulge this kind of information honestly. We attempt suicide more than any other time in history and more than any other country. There are more drug and alcohol problems now than in the history of mankind. Approximately 90% of police time is drug or alcohol related. It appears that fear has moved into the neighborhood and taken up shop wouldn’t you say?

Yet for all the noise that fear makes and all the space that fear takes, do you think that it does any good? Fear never wrote a symphony, never wrote a poem, and never led a nation out of bigotry or people out of poverty. Fear never built a church, BUT COURAGE DID, FAITH DID, JESUS DID!!!

What does fear do? It takes us into a prison and locks the door. Wouldn’t it be great to walk out? Can you imagine your life with no fear? Just one day…24 hours void of the dread and the anxieties of life? What if I had a magic wand that I could wave over your head and extract every last shaving of fear and dread? Would you like that? What do you think it would do for you? How would it change your life? Would you be a better parent, a better spouse, a better neighbor, a better friend? Would you laugh more? Would you try new things? Would you live more adventurously? Would you talk more, express yourself more? Share your feelings more? Sleep better? Would your quality of life vastly improve? Ya, probably. So would mine.

That’s why we love this question when Jesus said to his disciples in Mark 4:40, “Now why are you so afraid?” because there’s a promise within this question and that is, you don’t have to be afraid. It’s a choice. This is what I mean when I say sometimes questions make the best answers. Jesus didn’t say, “How dare you be afraid?” Or, “May the curse of the heavens come down upon you for the sin of fear!” No, he asked, why? The promise in this question is that we don’t have to be afraid. Yes, you can choose today, this moment, which is all you really have control of to be less afraid. Fear less today, less tomorrow and less this year and so on…

Matthew and Mark both recorded this story in the gospel, but there are some unique differences in their emphasis. Matthew used the Greek work “sizemose” which is the ancestor of the words we use today to describe the study of earthquakes…seismology, seismologist. Matthew evidently wanted us to know the size of these waves. That we’re not sissy’s, there was indeed something to be afraid of. How many of you know that there ALWAYS is indeed something to be afraid of. If you look hard enough there’s always a “What if” this happens or “What if that happens”?

Matthew wanted us to know that here we are in this 30 ft wooden boat with 10 ft waves going up and down and up and down and fearing for our lives, thinking surely we shall perish. We’re gonna die and there’s Jesus over there snoring! Mark on the other hand wanted to emphasis two curious details, (1) letting us know that this was no accident. And (2) Jesus was asleep in the stern of the boat, the safest part of the boat where they kept nets etc… perhaps the only safe place in the boat, and with his head on a pillow. (Probably a 30 pound sand filled leather bag used to ballast the boat). This tells us that this was no accidental sleep, but a premeditated slumber.

Mark 4:38 “And the disciples said, Teacher don’t you care if we drown?” Teacher don’t you care? Teacher don’t you care? Why do you suppose they asked this question? Why not, “Teacher can you help us?” Or, “Teacher, can’t you see we’re about to perish?” Or, “Teacher, do you have any experience with wind and waves and boats?” But no, they asked, “Teacher don’t you care?”

You see what fear does? It can cause us to doubt God, to think He doesn’t care, to question the goodness in heaven, to question our power in Him, to question if He hears us, to question, “Are you there God?” Fear can also cause us to be a bit demanding. “Teacher don’t you care?” It’s not a very respectful question, is it? It’s got an edge to it, a bossiness to it, an accusatory tone to it. It really says, “Teacher Fix It!”

Fear can often lead us to believe that:
· Our world is out of control.
· Our governments out of control.
· Spending is out of control.
· People are out of control.
· Marriage is out of control.
· Health is out of control.

Thus, wee cautastraphize and awfulize and generalize, and often turn it into something that it’s not. When we think something’s out of control, what do we tend to do? CONTROL IT!!! Has anyone here found themselves a bit controlling when responding to some fear? Anyone here live with anyone that tends to be controlling? Many, if not most anger management/domestic violence problems are based out of fear.

Anger as often a coping emotion, we throw it in front of fear, as we would rather the world see anger than fear, as fear is often believed to be a weakness. Then we perhaps believe that if we are angry, we have to be aggressive. Anger is a normal emotion stemming from a belief that we are being violated. Aggression is a choice to hurt somebody. They have nothing in common, but are often guilty by association.

Respect and Intimidation are also often confused with fear. To gain respect we feel we have to make someone fear us or be intimidated by us, making it guilty by association as well. Another thing about fear is that fear just feels dreadful. We don’t like it. I don’t like it, do you? I can’t think of any emotion that feels worse!

Fear is one of your eight core emotions. It arrives when we feel that we are in danger. I don’t ever wake up and say to myself, “Boy, today I’m just going to be full of fear. I’m so excited!" Nor do I circle a day on my calendar and say, “I’m going to worry my way through that whole day.” I doubt anyone ever said, “You know, every since I became a hypochondriac, I became the happiest person in the world”.

Fear robs us of our:
· Joy
· Peace
· Happiness

Fear rules our thinking into believing things like, God doesn’t care. Fear makes us, bossy, worry, aggressive, and turns us into control freaks. Thus we try to control it and avoid it with drugs, alcohol, aggressive behavior, distrust, and controlling behavior.

Fear can also make us passive – giving up our voice and our power. It can convince us that we are victims as opposed to victimized. We’ve all been taken advantage of, but to become a victim is a choice. Wherever an aggressive person is, you will find in the near vicinity someone who has allowed themselves to be a victim.

A passive person is an aggressive person lying in wait. To choose to be passive is to choose, no voice, no power, no authority, to be an underachiever, to believe you are not important, not worthy, and to never really get what you want or need in life. What kind of life is that? It goes against everything that we are meant to be and if chosen, soon resentment will build and you may turn into exactly what you hate.

Did you know that Jesus talked more about fear than any other topic? Of the 120 commands of Jesus 20 of them had to do with FEAR. God does not want us to live in fear. But, don’t get me wrong. Fear does have its place. In fact fear is a gift of God. There’s a book that you might want to read called, “The Gift of Fear”, by Gavin De Becker. It warns us of potential danger. It tells us to run out of burning buildings. Have you ever intuitively felt the hair stand up on the back of your neck –LISTEN! That’s the good kind of fear…your intuitive ear. Interestingly fear is a precursor to Faith and Courage and ultimately, vision. Without fear we would probably all be dead.

We even like fear in small controlled increments such as roller coasters, horror flicks, thriller movies, spook houses, extreme sports, scary novels etc… It is not the presence of fear that is the problem so much as it is our preoccupation with fear, our obsession with fear. Fear will always knock at your door. So when you open the door and see that it is fear, then you have a choice. Is it healthy fear, or unhealthy fear? Is this real or imagined? If it’s real and there is something you can do about it -- LISTEN! If you’ve done all you can then fear will lead to faith and courage.

Romans 10:17 Says, “Faith cometh by hearing.” Thus your need to be here today, to have read this far. You have now heard.

I Corinthians 16:13 Say’s “Be alert and be firm in your faith. Keep on being strong and courageous.”So I urge you: Look back at 2009 and leave behind your irrational Fear! What do we want to keep in, in 2010? To be of good courage! Good courage is smart courage. So that, like Jesus, when he spoke to the wind and the waves, the disciples said, “What kind of man is this?”

Be of Good Courage my facebook friends and people will look at you and say…”What kind of Man is this?” “What kind of Woman is this?” This will have a ripple effect on all around you. Live a life that will make people look in amazement and wonder, “What kind of man/woman is this? This can very well be your most powerful testimony, just your lifestyle, your ability to do a "Clint Eastwood" in the face of fear. You don’t really have to say a word. People will look and wonder in amazement at your faith and courage and if they want to know, and they will, they will ask. That’s when you can tell them where it all comes from. God.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim
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timism of the day: Jesus did a Clint Eastwood

i Found It In The Silence

timism of the day: What's different now with me. If i could only explain this to my ex-wife, but when i was with her, i, inside, in my spirit was just a child. After all that education and experience, i still hadn't matured in a way that i would give myself away to God or her completely. i have changed in the silence and have let that part of me go now. For once i am an empty vessel. i found it in the silence.

As in I Cor. - When i was a child (unknowing) I spoke as a child i understood (incompletely) as a child i thought as a child (inexperienced); but when i became a man i put away childish things. The worst part, is that i knew on some level and was stubborn with a part of me. That part of me aches now, yet is exposed and been made clean. This is what i call my "Knower Voice", and i have developed a listening ear for it now. i found it in the silence. i hear it now.

If i could just explain this, but that was then. A message to you men:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

This is a profound mystery!!! Don't even try to understand it. Just let it happen.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself!!!

From one who has loved and lost, MEN let me reiterate: LOVE YOUR WIFE AS YOURSELF, FEED HER, CARE FOR HER, LISTEN TO HER, TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. Because if she is ever gone, you will wish you had.

What children we can be. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

What Happy People Know

Timism of the day: What Happy People Know

As a therapist, I have to draw on decades of experience and perspective to reveal what happy, healthy people share. I've found few analytical tools to be handier than what I call the long view. When whipsawed by "groundbreaking" research that contradicts studies from, oh, just a few weeks before, I find that if I mix the new information into the old, then sit back and wait patiently while it ferments and settles, eventually something I might call current truth will rise above the mists of the churning scientific cauldron.

The long view reveals other verities as well. I've always been fascinated by people who enjoy truly outstanding physical and mental health. After years of snooping, I've identified certain behaviors and attitudes they all share—a lifestyle, or style of living, that transcends the healthy habits (Eat this, bend that!) we extol. Here's what my notes—and the long view—tell me about the world's most robust inhabitants.

They possess body wisdom:

I interviewed a group of body workers—experts in physical therapies such as the Joseph Piltes, Alexander Technique, Rolfing, and Shiatsu etc… One therapist, Richard, boasted that he knew of an "inner body" trick that rendered him as implacable as a tree. To demonstrate, he stood before me, assumed a casual stance, then imagined (he told me later) that he had roots that extended deep into Earth's molten core. He told me to shove him—again, harder, and again. Finally, I took a couple of steps back and slammed my shoulder into his. Nothing. Though I outweighed him by 30 pounds, I couldn't budge him. He was a redwood. (And I was in pain!) Richard had what I call body wisdom. Although his "trick" was probably as much mental as physical, he had a deep awareness of how his body worked and what it was capable of. I've since met many other people I consider bodywise, and while they're not gifted in the physical-stunt category, they are capable of an equally impressive feat: maintaining truly extraordinary health.

Interestingly, most trace the dawning of their physical self-awareness to a minor injury, like a sprained ankle. A few say they first turned their focus on themselves during a drawn-out struggle with weight, shyness, or stress. What happens next, though, is fairly predictable: They school themselves in basic precepts of nutrition, exercise, and self-healing and design a diet and fitness plan for themselves. As time goes on, they realize that their plan requires regular rethinking—their body is changing, and its needs do, too. With each updating of their routine, they pay closer attention to its results—a process that deepens their body wisdom. Their ultimate payoff is an ability to understand their body's unique language. This fluency enables them to recognize when they are depleted, and they rest. They can quickly identify signs of agitation and calm themselves. Their keen awareness and long experience allows them to visualize how their cells are revitalized by specific foods, how the bunched and inflamed fibers of a calf muscle are elongated and soothed by stretching and kneading, how their flagging brain cells will respond to strong sunlight or a power walk with a mood-boosting squirt of dopamine. They become body savants, as implacable in their commitment to conscious living as Richard the redwood.

They love physical pleasure:

During my college years, I worked one summer, for a little extra money, for a fellow who owned a moving company. Then in his 50s, he loved the heavy work; a short, muscular fireplug of a man, he would often tell me that hard physical labor was one of the great pleasures in life, a belief I've held ever since. As we humped sofas and pianos up and down stairs, he would dispense a torrent of advice in his lilting Irish brogue: Lift with your legs, never eat unless you're hungry, call your parents often, marry young, have as many kids as your wife can bear. A couple of times I almost caused serious injury to us both, I was laughing so hard.

Not long ago, some 20 years after our last moving trip, I visited him during a visit to my parents. He invited me onto his porch and poured us both a couple of fingers of Jameson. He was largely unchanged—spry, still powerfully built, his eyes clear and sparkling as he cracked wise about New England sports teams, town politics, and the stupidity of Twitter, which his grandkids had told him about. I was about to ask him the secret of his remarkable vitality when his wife of untold decades joined us on the porch. As she stood beside him, he affectionately patted her behind, then winked at me. "If I didn't give Mother a little goose now and then, she'd think I was ready for the winding sheet," he said. Question answered.

This is a reasons you should keep "dating" your spouse. Work and love ... Freud said if you can be successful in both—even if the work is really hard—you'll be happy. Healthy, too. The two are intimately connected.

They view good health as a moral obligation:

One (cynical) view of people who take excellent care of themselves, who strive to live as long and well as possible, is that they are narcissists. Certainly, many benefits accrue to someone who pursues an intensely healthful lifestyle—not the least of which is that she'll look really good. But from what I've seen, the superhealthy aren't simply on a competitive mission to outlive their friends or become medical marvels. They consider it wrong, in a moral sense, not to take care of themselves. Life is a gift, they feel—and one that can be rescinded at any time. To live irresponsibly is to dishonor that gift. So at the heart of their zeal for health is genuine, life-affirming joy.
They wring as much pleasure from every day as they can. A wonderful feedback loop results:

To do the things they love, they commit to staying well, get stronger in the process, and end up being able to do even more of the things that enhance their deep appreciation of life. In taking responsibility for their well-being, they're trying to avoid becoming a burden, in their later years, to those they love. But their health quest is munificent in another way, too. Some of the most interesting epidemiological research to emerge in the past couple of years shows that good health habits are infectious.

Scientists have learned, for instance, that if you're a nonsmoker, cheerful, and of a normal weight, your neighbors are likely to be, too. The world's healthiest people lead by example, fostering good habits in others—even though they begin their campaign by focusing on themselves.

They take the hit as a gift:

Several years ago, a good friend, Lisa, then in her early 50s and in seemingly perfect health, learned she had a dreadful cancer. Her prognosis was not good—only about 10 percent of patients diagnosed with her particular tumor make it to the five-year mark. Facing two rounds of chemotherapy sandwiched between a double mastectomy and reconstruction, she thought hard about how to respond to her new circumstance. When she was younger, she had briefly studied the martial art Aikido and recalled a favorite saying of her teacher: "Take the hit as a gift." That is, when you suffer a blow—whether from an opponent on the mat or a cluster of aggressive cancer cells—redirect the energy from the pain you feel to help you handle whatever you're facing. So Lisa devised an active counter-strategy: Immediately after receiving her chemo infusion, she would attend a yoga class to work the "medicine"—she refused to call it poison—deep into her tissues. Then, over the next few days, she would go for long walks in the park, even when nauseated, and visualize the demise of the rogue cells in her body. She would harvest the disease's negative power, turning her fear into resolve, her anxiety into hope and confidence. I've seen other supremely healthy people deploy this strategy in far less extreme circumstances. They view the inevitable upsets and hard knocks in life as "teachable moments"—opportunities to re-examine priorities and strike out in new directions. Some experts would call this resilience, but I prefer to think of it as an ability to take the long view. Change is part of life, and by embracing it we can convert its roiling energy into a source of personal empowerment.

Enlightenment, too: I'll never forget what Lisa told me right after her diagnosis. Processing her new uncertain status was "interesting," she said—she realized, for instance, how full her life had been and was grateful for the insight. She'd had "big love," great kids, a rewarding spiritual life, and a gratifying career. "I've hit all the high notes in life," she told me. "For the sake of my family, I don't want to go, but I'll have no regrets, no unfulfilled yearnings, if I do. The disease has shown me that." She took the hit as a gift—and it keeps on giving. A dozen years later, her life is even fuller than before.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Last Day

timism of the day: If this were your last day to live 1)What would you want me to know? (Because it might be mine) 2) Who would you call? (Because there's probably unfinished business there) and, 3) What are you waiting for? (It may be your last...one never knows). Live each day with diligence. Take care of confilcts as they happen. Pay attention to time/timeing and your use of it, and in your life, your field of harvest will NOT be observed as having seed and thorn and wreckage, but rather fruit of your liking. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

i'm a Joke

timism of the day: Never take yourself too seriously because if you're not a joke, you're not taken seriously. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

Energizer Bunny.

timism if the day: i only need 4 hours of sleep. i live off caffeine. i never stop, never, i am like the Energizer Bunny i keep going and going and going and goin and goi and go and g and an a ... .. .

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

More Cowbell!!!

Timism of the day: The answer to most of life's problems is that we just need a little MORE COWBELL!!! To explain today's Timism: "More cowbell" is an American pop culture catchphrase originally derived from an April 8, 2000, Saturday Night Live comedy sketch fictionalizing the recording of the song "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult. The sketch featured guest host Christopher Walken as fictional music producer Bruce Dickinson and Will Ferrell, who wrote the sketch, as fictional cowbell player Gene Frenkle. In the television special Saturday Night Live. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Ideas Are Not For Drowning

Timsim of the day: Ideas are not for drowning, they’re rather more like carousel horses, streaked plethora of tie dyed colors, so many to choose from flitting by so quickly, mixed with time, but one must choose, jump, lash at one, as ideas are not for drowning, but for riding. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Sigh

Timism of the day: Daniela walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, Sorry, but you're not the one. It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it! She screamed with joy. It's the puppy size! But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks, Mom said. No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed, she said. Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms, she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. They are the sighs of God.

Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!! Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Trying to Forget

Timism of the day: Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

5 Things

Timism of the day: How to list 5 things I am thankful for everyday by Tim. i have been doing the count your blessing routine (on and off) for my whole adult life. It helps me to be happy, even when times are tough, keeps me grounded and really helps me be grateful for the blessings already in my life and to not take these things for granted.

How i do it: Keep a journal of any kind: just list down anything, it doesn’t have to be big: I like to start with things that I have done, take an emotional inventory of feelings, remember people that I love. Sharing wine on the beach with friends, fudgecicle ice cream, Google searches, my dog greeting me when I come home, good coffee in the morning, surfing, kayaking, a good workout, walk in the park or run etc... Whatever you think of is appropriate. Remember it’s what YOU are thankful for. Don’t feel the need to justify why it made you happy, just write what you think and keep the list somewhere private if you wish.

Lessons & tips: write even when you don't feel it: You will often find that after listing a few happy things that you are going to feel better, as this is the power of positive thinking. Resources: the book "simple abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, a blank journal, a cup-o-jo, my dog “Pivet”, and a comfy/inspiring place to sit and write.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Just Be Where Your Hands Are

Timism of the day: Learn to just be where your hands are. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

We Cannot Be Anything We Want To Be

timism of the Day: We cannot be anything that we want to be. This is an American myth that many of us were taught growing up and still continue to believe, with deleterious consequences. Although at the onset, this sounds like a positive statement, it is a lie.

At the core of most of our lives is that we continue to keep trying to become something that we are not, thus we devote more time to our shortcomings than to our strengths. For example, 77% of Americans think that a student’s lowest grades deserve the most time and attention. We reward excellence with apathy instead of investing more time in the areas where we have the most potential for greatness.

You cannot be anything you want to be, but you can be a lot more of who you already are. Just watch American Idol tryouts one time and you will see this truth as thousands who truly believe they are to be the next big pop star do their thing, only to hear Simon say something like, “Please, never ever sing again” and we watch them storm off the stage angry, hurt, and swearing at the camera, “I will prove you wrong, just wait, you’ll see”, and we wait, and we wait, and what do we see?...The outtakes, the blurbs, over and over again. We sit there and make fun of them, feel sorry for them, talk about how misguided they are and how ignorant they must be, and yet we are doing the same thing in our lives, different stage, but the same problem.

If we invest our time and energy on our strengths, our weaknesses will follow suit and literally take care of themselves. We were all born with gifts, talents and strengths that are meant to be nurtured and refined for us to achieve our greatness in life. So, don’t continue to try to be something that you are not, instead focus all your time and energy and devotion on something that you are and be great at it.

In the end, if there is a day of reckoning, and i believe that there will be, we will be judged for two things, what we did with our time and talents. Just sayin. Take it, test it, teach it. tim

The Ripple Effect

timism of the day: As a practical matter, if you are being abused, you must do what is best for you. At the very least, you will stop the abuse. That will be good for both you and the abuser, for even the abuser is abused when abuse is allowed to continue. Allowed to continue, abuse is damaging to all parties and there's a ripple effect throughout. This is not healing to the abuser, but sending a message that abuse is acceptable, stop it now or it will only get worse. Stop it now, or this curse will ripple throughout the generations of all those near and dear to you. It's your move. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

A Day in the Life of Tim

timism of the day: A day in the life of tim: It's 4am, and i am working on my dissertation. Thankful for the opportunity, yet not loving the process right now. Scary to think what i would do for a backrub, or maybe even just a hug. Craving candy too...chocolate. Perhaps it's my prior post that got me thinking about chocolate. What's up with that? People ask me why don't i just talk about my day in real time. So, here i am talking in real time and nobody is even up. So, does that mean my time is not real? Mmmm? Perhaps it's your time that's not real. Of course, this is coming from the kid who asked his mom at age 6, "Mom, how do i know this is all real? How do i know that i'm just not living in a bubble and thinking it's all real, but for example when i touch you, i'm just touching the bubble. How do i know it's just not all in my head?" Mom wasn't much of a philosopher. Little did i know, i had just though of the philosophical construct of The Matrix. Anyways, just another day in the life of tim. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Had a Visit Yet?

timism of the day: It's Easter Sunday: Here's some points of interest:

• There are at least 12 different appearances of Christ in the resurrection accounts, beginning with Mary and ending with Paul. They were physical, tangible experiences with Christ eating, speaking and allowing himself to be touched.

• Jesus' resurrected body was different from his physical body. It was no longer subject to the same laws of nature. He could transcend locked doors, and yet he could still be touched and he could eat.

• Before Jesus ascended into heaven he gave the Great Commission, telling his followers to go and make disciples of all nations.

• The stone was not rolled away from the tomb so Jesus could get out. He was able to walk through walls (John 20:19) in his resurrected body. The stone was rolled away so that everyone could see that he was risen.

Question for Reflection: When Jesus appeared to the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, they didn't recognize him (Luke 24:13-33). They even talked in great length about Jesus, but they didn't know they were in his very presence. Has Jesus, the resurrected Savior visited you, but you didn't recognize him? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Alien

timism of the day: Did you know that the United States government defines "Alien" as "Any person not a citizen or national of the United States"? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

The Perfect Man

timism of the day: THE PERFECT MAN!!! Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. Tim

Rocks Cry

timism of the Day: The earth is crammed with heaven, we just don't often notice. Ever wonder why it's more peaceful in a forest, or at the beach, or in the mountains than in a safe comfortable bedroom with our down pillows and our 1500 thread count egyption cotton sheets? Despite the stickers and bugs and the unpredictable, we are still drawn to the sea and the forest and the rocks and the trees. Why? From a standpoint of comfort, this would typcially not be a place of comfort, yet we are drawn. Why?

Psalm 96:11-12 says “Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it! Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy” Psalm 145:10 says, “All your works shall give thanks to you" And in Luke 19, many of Jesus’ disciples were praising Him and the pharisees there told Jesus to rebuke them, and Jesus said, “I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out.”

Why? When we are walking into a forest, on top of a mountain, or by the sea, we are literally walking into a praise and worship service. Our intuitive ear knows this, our spirits know this and we sense that in this silence, the trees and the rocks and the forest and the sea and all of nature cries out to God in praise. Stand there long enough in the silence, and the silence becomes deafening with praise. We are drawn to it, because we are drawn to Him and his ultimate peace. The earth is crammed with heaven, we must simply listen. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

i'm a Bad Man.

timism of the day: All our life, we spend convincing ourselves we are bad. We are told we are born in sin and then appear to set out to prove it. Not only that we are bad, but that the things we want are bad. Sex is bad, money is bad, joy is bad, power is bad, having a lot is bad, dancing is bad, music is bad, celebrating is bad. Soon we will agree smiling is bad, laughing is bad, and loving is bad.
Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

Our Deepest Fear

timism of the day: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. By Marianne Williamson

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

51% of You

Timism of the day: Each of us has a personality type. You are not going to be a textbook one or the other, but rather a blend of two or more, a hybrid. About 51% of you lies in one particular type and it's important to know which one you lean towards the most because each personality type has different strengths & potential weaknesses. By now, you are who you are, so your job is to embrace it, not try to change it. It won't work. Here are some things to watch for in yourself, and in the people you work with.

Type Strengths Potential Weaknesses

Analytical Thinking Type:

Thorough
Disciplined
Excludes feelings from decisions
Goes too far; perfectionist

Too rigid or demanding of self/others

Irrational Belief: I must do it perfectly or not at all. I must have all the information before I can make a decision. I must have the answer to all my problems. Problems are proof of my inadequacy. I am not supposed to have any problems.
(Wants all the ducks to be in a row)


Amiable Supportive Type:

Patient
Diplomatic
Tends to conform to wishes of others
No time boundaries; things do not get done
Not assertive or directive

Passive

Irrational Belief: I must be like, loved and approved by everyone. I can make someone happy. I can change people. If I could just fill everyone's cup to overflowing perhaps it will overflow into my cup and we will all be happy.
(Wants all the ducks to get along and be happy)


Driver Independent:

Decisive
Determined Has trouble operating with others
Does not take time to consider other perspectives
Domineering; too focused on doing it "my way"

Irrational Belief: My way is the only right way. Black or white thinking. One must pick a side. If you are not for me, you are against me. It's my way or the highway. If you don't see or feel it like I see or feel it, then there must be something wrong with you, therefore you must be indoctrinated, beat into submission, punished, or banished.
(They want the ducsk on task and always busy)


Expressive Good communicator

Enthusiastic
Imaginitive Talks too much
Comes on too strong
Dreamer; unrealistic

Irrational Thinking: It's not so much what you do, but that you look good doing it. Magical thinking. I must be seen. I must be the center of attention. I must always act happy, be funny, smile and inspire. Old is not good, it must be new and cutting edge.
(They want all the ducks enthusiastic and color coordinated)


The Analytical

The Analytical is polite but reserved, logical, fact- and task-oriented. This person’s focus is on precision and perfection. Other strengths include persistence, diligence, caution, and a systematic approach. Weaknesses involve being withdrawn, boring, quiet, reclusive, and even sullen at times. If he or she seems indecisive, it’s because of a need to assess all the data. Perfectionism can be a fault if the Analytical pushes it too far. This person is definitely not a risk-taker. The Analytical needs to be right, and won’t openly discuss ideas until confident in a decision. His or her pleasure is accuracy. Pain is to be wrong and criticized.

When communicating with an Analytical:

Be systematic, thorough, deliberate, and precise. Focus on the task Be prepared to answer many “how” questions. Provide analysis and facts. Don’t get too personal
Recognize and acknowledge the need to be accurate and logical. Don’t rush unnecessarily. Expect to repeat yourself. Allow time for evaluation. Use lots of evidence. Compliment the precision and accuracy of the completed work.
Portrait of an Analytical’s office:

The first thing you notice will probably be the glasses. The Analytical will have worn out his or her eyes from constantly reading everything. On the wall you may see a framed degree, but the chief decoration will be charts, figures, and graphs of every kind. The analytical is not very friendly, will often greet you skeptically, and doesn’t want to share much – especially anything personal. There will be no flowers or plant; for the Analytical, they belong in greenhouses. On the desk will be only business-related information, and that will be carefully arranged. It’s not a power office, but
it definitely will be functional. As for color, black and white will do nicely.

Symbol: Owl.

The Amiable:

Devoted, consistent, dependable, and loyal, the Amiable is a hard worker and will persevere long after others have given up. He or she is a teamplayer, cooperative and easy to get along with, trustful, sensitive and a good listener. Working in groups with cooperative individuals, the Amiable tries to avoid confrontation. He or she enjoys company, performs best in a stable environment, and often has a stabilizing effect on others.

Weaknesses include indecision and an inability to take risks. Amiables are often too focused on others, conforming, quiet, and passive. They often won’t speak up for themselves, are too compliant and nice, and often painstakingly slow to make decisions. The Amiable’s pleasure is stability and cooperation. His or her pain is
change and chaos.

When communicating with an Amiable: Be relaxed and agreeable. Maintain the status quo. Be logical and systematic. Create a plan with written guidelines. Be prepared to answer “why” questions. Be predictable. Agree clearly and often.
Use the word “WE”. Don’t push. Don’t rush. Compliment him or her as a team player
Be a good listener.

Portrait of an Amiable’s office: The first thing you will notice will be pictures of loved ones on the desk: husband, wife, family, favorite pets. They’ll be in a candid style, and the Amiable loves to talk about them. On the walls will be colorful photos of landscapes, waterfalls, birds, and sunsets. You’ll find flowers or plants that are growing well and office colors that are harmonious and restful. The person will almost certainly be dressed in colors that match. Furniture will be fashionable, but not overwhelming. Files are present, but usually kept out of the way. If you’re a little late, the Amiable won’t mind. If you have the Amiable in your company, he or she will stay with you. The Amiable likes company, newsletters, picnics, gatherings, and retirement parties.

Symbol: Dove.


The Driver Type:

The Driver is a high achiever – a mover and shaker who is definitely not averse to risk. The individual is extroverted, strong-willed, direct, practical, organized, forceful, and decisive. Look for someone who tells it the way it is and is very persuasive. Watch out or you’ll be worn down and bowled over. A driver is task- rather than relationship-oriented and wants immediate results. This individual is not concerned with how something is done, but what is being done, and what results can be expected. “What” is his or her battle cry. “What’s going on? What’s being done about it? What you should do is …!”

The Driver can be stubborn, domineering, impatient, insensitive, and short-
tempered, and aggressive, with little time for formalities or niceties. He or she can also be demanding, opinionated, controlling, and uncompromising – or even
overbearing, cold, and harsh. The Driver’s pleasure is power, control, and respect. His or her pain is loss of respect, lack of results, and the feeling that he or she is being taken advantage of.

When communicating with a Driver: Focus on the task. Talk about expected results. Be businesslike and factual. Provide concise, precise, and organized information Discuss and answer “what” questions. Argue facts, not feelings. Don’t waste time. Don’t argue details. Provide options.

Portrait of a Driver’s office: Of course, it must be the corner office with two windows, but the Driver never looks at the view. Pictures on the wall are of battlefields, maps, and boats. The Driver is a multi-tasked person and can sign letters, hold interviews, and talk on the phone simultaneously. Office furniture
contributes to the impression of power and control, and is the most expensive and incredible available. The office may also contain flowers and plants, even exotic ones like orchids (carefully chose to contribute to the impression of power), but the Driver never looks after them. There’s an assistant to do that. On the desk are often family portraits, but never candid shots. They are formal portraits showing everyone in his or her proper role, frozen forever as the Driver sees them. The office will probably be decorated by an interior designer to create the feeling of power, and the colors of the office will be strong power colors. Curt and tough, straight to business. That’s the Driver at work in his or her den. Don’t waste time. Get straight to the point!

Symbol: Eagle.


The Expressive Type:

The Expressive, a verbally adept personality, is engaging, accommodating,
supportive of others, persuasive, socially adept, and relationship- rather than task-oriented. He or she loves to be one of the gang, and is always ready for something new and exciting, especially if the gang is ready to participate. Additional strengths include enthusiasm, diplomatic skills, and the ability to inspire others.

Weaknesses involve impatience, a tendency to generalize, verbal assaults, and sometimes irrational behavior. The Expressive can also be egotistical, manipulative, undisciplined, reactive, unorganized, and abrasive. The Expressive readily exchanges information and life experiences. His or her main need is to be appreciated and accepted. The Expressive’s pleasure is recognition and approval. His or her pain is isolation and lack of attention.

When communicating with an Expressive: Focus on developing a relationship
Try to show how your ideas will improve his or her image. Be enthusiastic, open, and responsive. Relate to the need to share information, stories, and experience Be forthcoming and willing to talk. Ask and answer “who” questions. Remember to be warm and approachable at all times. Work to minimize his or her direct involvement with details or personal conflicts.

Portrait of an Expressive’s office: In short, it’s a mess. The Expressive loves favorite sayings and has them plastered on the wall or sitting on the desk. Files are never in a filing cabinet. Rather, they’re piled all over the office in stacks. But don’t be misled. The Expressive knows exactly where everything is and can find virtually anything by its location. Office colors will probably be loud and lively. If there are flowers or plants, they’re likely dead – either talked to death or lacking water. The Expressive’s greatest reward is personal acknowledgment from others, and examples of this will be displayed. The Expressive is an excitable dreamer, with lots of ideas and projects, but without the time to follow them up.

Symbol: Peacock.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Your River Has Been Flowing

Timism of the day: You may wonder, 'How can i leave it all behind if i am just coming back to it? How can i make a new beginning if i simply return to the old?' The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the 'same old thing.' What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

Ball and Chain

Timism of the day: Forgiving is not forgetting. Neurologically our brains remember everything, but not like you may think (To be addressed later). Forgiving is a commitment to not bring it up again, to wipe the slate clean and to stop keeping track. If one does not forgive, more harm is done to the non-forgiving party than the one to be forgiven. One can eventually walk away and be free from someone that is unforgiving, but one cannot walk away from the ball and chain of resentment and revenge and an unwillingness to forgive. We cannot earn your forgiveness, but you may have the power, through the grace of God to give us the gift of forgiveness. We are all fallible human beings capable of all sorts of malfeasance and harm, even to those we love. Especially to those we love. Forgive us. Set us free. Set yourself free. It may be painful at first and seem impossible, but time really does do a number on the pain and we only have so much time here. Accept us for who we are. Forgive us for what we’ve done and let’s all move on. You’d be amazed at how much better we will all feel. The ebb and flow of relationships that are determined to survive depend on this.

On a side note, the most difficult person to forgive is oneself. The same rules apply. Warning, if you don’t forgive, you are preoccupied with the past, which is the premise of depression. Do you really want to live that way? To refuse to forgive is abusive, neglectful, lazy, and intentional harm. God not only says to love our neighbor, but our enemies. That may be the person lying nest to you in bed, the person in the office next to you at work, and it may be yourself. Why not let today be that day. Learn to be where your hands are. Are they folded on this issue? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands will impede the growth of the vineyard that God has given you. Tend to it. Groom it. Care for it, which may imply forgiveness.

Timism Question of the day: Does forgiveness imply that one must stay involved in the relationship? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

Blue October on Depression (1)

Blue October on Depression (2)

My Cologne

Timism of the day: i would like a cologne with a hint of freshly mowed grass, spring rain, a touch of freshly brewed coffee, pumpkin pie, a bit of bond fire, and a backlash of cocoa. Think i'd smell good? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

Emotional Vacuum

Timism of the day: Remember the last time you stubbed your toe? Remember how bad it felt? Think before you answer. When it comes to memory, forgetting is choice, and a gift. You can remember the event, but you can’t remember the pain. i’m thankful i can’t pull up that feeling. Short term memory is empirical (through the senses), and is vivid and specific. Long term memory is narrative and in story form, which is why i often use the narrative in therapy.

The reason that i bring this up is because i think some of us could use some forgiving right now, as others of us could do some forgiving, so we can all be a bit happier. Forgiveness is not something one can earn, but rather a gift. If there is someone that needs forgiven in your life, forgive them, it’s a gift you can give, and you will be blessed for it. You’re not going to forget it though, ever, as our brains actually remember and store everything we experience. The memory will fade though and become less painful with time, as it turns into the narrative. i promise!!!

If you choose NOT to forgive someone, you are actually choosing a lose/lose situation, as it robs both parties of their happiness. However, if you choose not to forgive someone, you can't hold them hotstage forever, as the person in need of forgiveness can eventually break free of those chains and move on.

Those who choose not to forgive have stunted their own growth and are plagued with unhappiness, hate, revenge, malice, and sleepless nights for a lifetime. You must forgive to have peace, but you will never actually forget. Forgiveness in actuality is a contract to never bring it up again….ever. But for reasons of understanding the old saying “Forgive and Forget” and the following guidelines, i will refer to forgetting as a choice.

Since 99% of your problems in life are going to have to do with conflicts with other people and perhaps 1% due to problems with the lawnmower not starting etc… we could all use some guidelines in forgiving and forgetting.

What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?

1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.

2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.

3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.

4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt and pain over this offense.

5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.

6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It means being vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is is also a noble human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.

7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full and functional life.

8. Forgiving is the God-like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God-like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination.

9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.

10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity and gentleness by which you let another know that he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier to goodness. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you and the world.

Negative

Consequences of the absences of forgiving and forgetting

In the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the partners in a relationship run the risk of:

* Continuously being hurt with pain and suffering going unresolved.

* Unresolved guilt and remorse for offenses committed.

* Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks from one another.

* Being caught up in unresolved anger, animosity and bitterness.

* Defensive, self-protective and distant behavior.

* Blaming, negative and non-growth oriented behavior.

* Being stuck in a battlefield stockpiled for future offensive attacks.

* Being lost in a festering wound that never realizes the revitalization of healing.

* Secretive and non-communicative behavior.

* Fear over making a mistake or of having the mistake revealed.

* Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem, fear of conflict.

* High stress.

Signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting.

Lack of forgiving and forgetting in a relationship can result in:

* Irreconcilable differences between people.

* Indifference toward one another.

* An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.

* Chronic attacks or angry outbursts.

* Addressing or interacting with one another disrespectfully.

* One-upmanship: competition as to who can out do whom in terms of eliciting sympathy, compassion or understanding from outsiders.

* Seeking revenge from one another.

* Pitting the parties in the relationship against one another through coalitions and taking sides.

* Chronic recalling and reminding of past hurts and offenses.

* Suspicions about the others' motives, behavior, attitudes or beliefs.

* Chronic depression.

* Chronic hostility.

* Name calling, belittling and demeaning one another.

* Responding to present behavior as if they were past behavior.

* Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.

Beliefs shared by people who refuse to forgive or forget:

* I was hurt so much; how could you ever expect me to forgive and forget that?

* I never deserved the treatment I received, and I do not believe that forgiving and forgetting is deserved in this situation.

* I am sick because of that treatment; how can I ever forgive or forget that?

* There are people who are inherently evil, and they are despicable. No forgiving or forgetting will ever change that.

* People are vicious and cruel, and you always need to protect yourself because of that; so why try to forgive and forget what they have done?

* It is a sign of weakness to forgive and forget.

* It is just "giving in" to the others' power and control to forgive and forget.

* There are some things you can never forgive and forget.

* I never forgive; I just get even.

* Revenge is the best way to heal wounds.

* Don't cross me and I won't cross you; but if you do cross me, watch out!

* Only God can forgive and forget, though at times I don't believe He does either.
* I have done nothing for which I need to be forgiven.

* It is easy to say "I'm sorry." You can never trust anyone who says "I'm sorry."

* You are just seeking my forgiveness so that you can come back and hurt me again.

* You do not deserve any kindness, compassion or forgiveness for what you have done to me; I'll see to it that you are never able to forget it!

* All people who do wrong deserve the worst life has to dish out.

* I resent everyone who has hurt me, and I believe that this makes me a stronger person so that I will not be hurt again.

* Anyone who could treat another person that way is undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.
In order to forgive and forget, you need to practice:

* Letting go of past hurt and pain.

* Trusting in the goodness of mankind.

* Letting go of fears for the future.

* Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.

* Taking a risk.

* Letting go of hostility and resentment.

* Working out your anger.

* Reducing competition.

* Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward.

* Developing a personal spirituality.

* Developing an openness to the belief that people can change.

* Developing trust in others.

* Facing conflict head-on, resolving it on the spot.

* Open, honest and assertive communication with others concerning hurts, pains and offenses experienced.

* Seeking professional help when necessary to resolve the distance and coldness in a relationship.

* Recognizing your part or role in setting up hurtful experiences.

* Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive and forget.

Steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship.

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive and forget, you need to recognize what this behavior involves.

Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What do you mean by "forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?"

b. Have you ever been forgiven in a relationship? How did it feel?

c. Has anyone ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt a person? How did that make you feel?

d. What role do you feel forgiving and forgetting has in your relationships? How could you improve?

e. How has the absence of forgiving and forgetting affected your current relationships?

f. What are the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends and co-workers?

g. What beliefs block your ability to forgive and forget? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?

h. What new behavior do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive and forget?

i. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive and forget? The lack of it?

j. Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to forget?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in forgiving and forgetting, you are ready to extinguish blaming behavior.

Letting Go of Blaming

It is easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you have suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive and forget when you feel hurt by another's behavior. Answer the following questions in your journal:

(1) List an incident for which you are unable to forgive a person(s) and therefore are unable to forget.

(2) How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?

(3) What feelings come to your mind and body as you recall this hurt?

(4) How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?

(5) Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you were treated?

(6) What did this event or happening do to your self-esteem?

(7) How dependent on others were you (or are you) to help you feel good about yourself? How positively self-affirming were or are you? Why do you need this person's affirmation to make you feel good about yourself? What beliefs about yourself were threatened by what happened to you? Reinforced?

(8) How willing are you to declare yourself independent of the need for others to reinforce you and make you feel good about yourself? What blocks you from declaring this independence? What fears do you have of letting go of the need for others to make you feel good about yourself? How does this relate to your inability to forgive or forget in the incident listed in Step 2(1)?

(9) What value is there in blaming the person(s) listed in Step 2(1) for the hurt and pain experienced? How responsible are you for the feelings of hurt and pain? How do these feelings relate to your dependence on others to make you feel good about yourself? How do you control your feelings of pain and hurt? What would change in your feelings about this past incident if you accepted the responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions? How do your irrational beliefs interfere in your ability to resist blaming others for pain and hurt you experience?

(10) Look back at the past incident and the person(s) involved; reframe your thinking and feelings about it:


* Who was responsible for my reaction to the incident?

* Who was responsible for my feelings about the incident?

* Who was responsible for my inability to forgive the person(s) involved?

* Who is responsible for my inability to forget this incident?

* How can I forgive the person(s) involved?

* How can I put this incident behind me?

* How can I forgive myself for being dependent on others for feelings of being worthwhile and good?

* How can I avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?

* What do I gain by blaming others for my feelings?

* What can I do when I feel hurt and pain? Where does the finger of responsibility need to be pointed?

Step 3: Once you have learned how to let go of blaming in that one incident, repeat Step 2 addressing all the past or present incidents of hurt in which you need to forgive the people and forget the incidents (see Step 1j).

When you have exhausted your list of people you need to forgive and events you need to forget, you will be on the road to forgiving and forgetting in relationships.

If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

The Toilet Seat Issue

Not a timism: This issue of leaving the seat up or down would not be an issue at all if women wouldn't be in the habit of waiting till the last second to go. Just another thing to blame on us good meaning guys. Just sayin.

10 Ways to Avoid Intimacy

timism of the day: When most people think of intimacy, they envision physical intimacy. However, in our relations with others, psychological intimacy is needed much more — but it is engaged in much less. When i was married, for example, i can't tell you how many times my wife asked me to go to church or walk the dog an...d i said no for one reason or another. Then one day, she stopped asking. What i didn't realize until it was too late was that she just wanted to share spiritual intimacy with me, and when we walked the dog, we talked about differnt things, other than in the house and generally held hands, to name a few. When she stopped asking, she had given up hope. She asked for intimacy, but i wasn't listening, and this could be happening to you. People often confuse the physical with the psychological. Sometimes it helps more to tell people what NOT to do, so they can avoid common pitfalls.

In this hope that you won't make some of the same mistakes that i did, here are ten rules to avoid intimacy. i have found these rules to be effective among men and women, husbands and wives, parents and children — even with close friends.

1. Don't talk. This is the basic rule for avoiding intimacy. If you follow this one rule, you will never have to be intimate again. If you are forced to talk, don't talk about anything meaningful. Talk about the weather, baseball, school, and the stock market — anything but your feelings.

2. Never show your feelings. Showing your feelings is almost as bad as talking, because your feelings are a way of communicating. If you cry or show anger, sadness or joy, you are giving yourself away. You might as well talk, and if you talk, you could become intimate. The best thing to do is remain expressionless. (Although this is still a form of communication, it only says that you don't want to be intimate.)

3. Always be pleasant. Always smile; always be friendly, especially if something is bothering you. You'll be surprised how effective that hiding your feelings from others is in preventing intimacy. It may even fool them into thinking that everything is okay in your relationships. Then you don't have to change anything or become intimate.

4. Always win. Never compromise; never admit that another's point of view may be as good as yours. If you compromise, that is an admission that you care about another person's feelings – which could lead to intimacy.

5. Always keep busy. If you keep busy with your work, you don't have to be intimate. Others will never figure out that you are using your work to avoid intimacy. Because our culture values hard work, they will feel unjustified in complaining. Likewise, devoting yourself to work will give others the feeling that they are not as important as your work. In this way, you can make others feel unimportant in your life without even talking!

6. Always be right. There is nothing worse than being wrong, because that is an indication that you are only human. If you admit that you are wrong, you might as well admit that others are right — and that will make them look as good as you. If they are as good as you, then you may have to consider the other person. Before you know it, you will be intimate!

7. Never argue. If you argue, you may discover that you and the other person are different. If you are different, you might have to talk about the differences to make adjustments. If you begin making adjustments, you may tell the other person who you really are, what you really feel. These revelations might lead to intimacy.

8. Make others guess what you want. Never tell others what you want. That way, when others try to guess and are wrong —as they often will be — you can tell them that they don't really understand or love you. If they did love you, they would know what you want without you telling them. Not only will this prevent intimacy, but it will drive the others crazy as well.

9. Always look out for number one. Remember, you are number one. All relationships exist to fulfill your needs, not anyone else's needs. Whatever you feel like doing is okay. You're okay — the other person is not okay. If others can't satisfy your needs, they only care about themselves. (After all you are the one making the sacrifices in the relationship.)

10. Keep the television on. Keep the TV turned on at all times — during dinner, while you are reading, when you're in bed and while you are talking — especially while you are talking about something important. This rule may seem petty when compared with the others, but it is a good preventative action. Watching TV keeps you and the other person from talking to each other. Best of all, it will keep both of you from even noticing that you don't communicate. If you are concerned and have to talk, you can both be distracted by a commercial, a seduction scene or the sound of gunfire. Wouldn't you rather be watching TV than talking to the other person anyway?

However, this is not a complete list.

You may know several additional ways to avoid intimacy. They may be your own invention, or you may have learned them from your spouse, friends, siblings or parents. To round out my list, you might want to list your own rules for avoiding intimacy in this post. On the other hand, if you want to be intimate, the above rules — along with your own — can help you to avoid the pitfalls that trap many of us.

Sound familiar? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Silent Divorce

timism of the day: People keep talking to me about being in "Covenant" marriages and such, thus i sense the need to address some of these issues delicately, slowly, and efficiently, because when you are referring to your relationship as a "Covenant" relationship, you are talking about a "Love-less" relationship and likely a "Legalist" relationship. Oh, i no you love them, you are just not in love with them anymore. Know what i mean?

In other words, you are together because you feel it may be a sin to seperate, at least legally. You don't want to destroy God's work in you or your partners life. You don't want to disillusion others, and thus be the cause of confusion. We prefer to martyr our lives in the secret hopes that God will somehow intervene. We lead ourself to believe that this is the cross that we are to bear and attempt to convince ourselves that this is an act of atruism, (which i don't believe truly even exists). We even do it for the kids, as if they don't know, and as if you are actually doing them any real favors.

Gosh, what would people say? I don't want to put my kids through that. They deserve better. Yet, the reason you stay together is actually based on fear and selfish motives. How is that pleasing to God? How is that not living a lie? How is that being equally yolked? Thus we live in what i call a silent divorce.
I have also found that when a couple (or half of a couple) avoids intimacy long enough they will end up in silent divorce. I have discovered seven personality types that avoid intimacy. We are in silent divorce when these patterns are stronger than the forces God put within us so that we could become one flesh. Stay in Silent Divorce long enough and even the bonding that God put there (emotional and spiritual attachment) will be broken. When the connection is broken it will feel like love is gone. When a partner says: "I no longer love you" it can be due to anger, hurt and resentment or other issues that can be resolved with good therapy.

More serious is when the bond is broken, attachment and connection no longer present. It no long seems safe to make love. That is when, it seems to me, the marriage dies. We each have a tendency toward one or more of these types. We each could slip into the habit of avoiding intimacy. Any one of us can end up in a silent divorce (or divorce). Do you recognize the marital patterns and personality types that end up in failed marriages? Here are seven:

Emotional immaturity - we have not matured to the point of being ready for adult intimacy.

Emotional woundedness - do to lack of love binding in childhood we failed to gain the capacity for adult loving intimacy.

Flight from life - an avoidant personality with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and risk avoidance.

Super-responsible - so busy caring for others and keeping order that intimacy is avoided (John and Paula Sandford: Parental Inversion).

People Pleasing - our identity lost as we respond by doing what other's expect, being good, doing right, being nice (Performance Orientation).

Dominating Personality - often fearing vulerability or being a victim (again) we dominate and overpower everyone and grab control.

Deepening trust and loyalty issues - hypervigilant to possible threat, in deep need for total loyalty, we have the tendency to become isolated and paranoid.

What are the general ways that we destroy marital intimacy and create a silent divorce? Here are 8 ways that one can limit the personal, the connection, the bonding, the love connection in a marriage or sexually active couple relationship and end up in a silent divorce. Is this related to 'putting assunder what God put together?'

1. Avoid eye contact in sexual contact perhaps by always having the light out.

2. Avoid the calming down together after sexual relations.

3. In conversation, avoid topics that are close and personally relevant.

4. Minimize connection by talking from distant rooms.

5. If in the same room sit out of contact at a great distance from the other.

6. Do not acknowledge or connect with the other’s feelings.

7. Do not ask the other for anything.

8. Don’t tell them when you are in difficulty and need support.

What does the ‘Life Avoidant’ Personality look like? There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight. Such people become very controlling in order to remove the risk of living. Maybe they are not good at 'self-soothing' - that is, they do not do a good job of controlling their own anxiety.

The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. Here is how life avoidance shows up in a relationship:

*Focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave) with soft weak colours (nothing bold) and windows with many curtains and sheers so as to be screened off from the world.

*Avoidance of exposure, public display even nakedness with one’s mate.

*Avoid decisions, confrontations, new situations, creative challenges, travel.

*Live a life at home, within the home, about the home and don’t venture far away from home.

*Unwilling to venture in cottage life, in intimate communication, and in work.

Jesus comments on life-avoidance in the parable of the talents In Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness! So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is death! How this happens:

When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy. When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up ‘touch’ starved. When the genital sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.

When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another. Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul.

By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one in (flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.

When Silent Divorce becomes Legal Divorce:

People will differ in how they handle silent divorce, the weakening and finally the death of the marital bond. Once we recognize that what God puts together sometimes man pulls asunder, not just legally but by neglect, by avoidance, by head in the sand living, by burial of one’s talent, then we are open to learn where people are at and how they are dealing with that reality.

Some couples are not motivated to destroy the appearance of marriage and so keep up the appearance of marriage that we call ‘silent divorce.’ If you observe closely you may find that they also become more distant from God. Some couples make strong efforts to mend and restore their broken hearts and recreate a healthy marital bond. In some one, or both, partners will move on in the direction of life, love and communion with God.

Sound even more familiar? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim