NUMB

timism of the day: The opposite of love is not hate. When I have a couple sitting in front of me in my office for couples or marriage counseling and they are spewing angst, blame, jealousy, anger, disgust, distrust and just general ugliness towards one another, I generally sit there and wait with a sort of internal smile. Why the smile? Well, once the smoke clears and they are finished with all of the accusations and hate mongering they generally turn to me for validation, and as is my typical fashion I would say something like, “Well, I see that there is hope for this relationship.” I then get a look of surprise, as they glance at each other briefly, for once in agreement of disbelief, much like what I would imagine I would get if I had four heads.

The fact of the matter is, there is hope because there is a very strong emotional component present. Now this is not the case with all strong emotional components, but the difference is that in these cases, there has been a prior feeling of intimacy and there is a fine line between love and hate. What is likely happening in these situations is miscommunication and misunderstandings that have built up over long periods of time and what is really needed here is to be heard and yes, hopefully understood, if not understood, at least a pretention of understanding, an attempt. It’s really much like the scene in the movie, “The Breakup” where Jennifer is trying to explain to Vince, “It’s not that I actually want you to wash the dishes, I just want you to want to wash the dishes!” And in typically alpha male fashion Vince asks, “Why would I ever want to wash the dishes?”

No, the opposite of love is not hate, it's numb. In this session I would see a much different scenario. A lack of emotion, but in this situation one must be careful, as the initial inclination is that the couple is just there to say that they’ve tried everything and are looking to me to validate an end to their drawn out misery and cohabitation and public façade. One must be Careful because Sadness can feign a lack of emotion when actually the opposite is true, yet can look very much the same if misinterpreted. Thus, many a potentially promising relationships can end simply due to a lack of understanding of what is actually going on.

You see, sadness is the emotion one gets when something has been lost. This “something” can be real or imagined, internal or external, but the general belief is that something has been lost and sadness will literally tell you to go and retrieve what has been lost. If you can’t retrieve it, sadness then has the dual ability to shut you down emotionally. Literally this is our brain’s way of keeping us from overloading, much like shorting out an appliance with too much electricity. Over time, if one feels as if they are losing something, such as a loved one, or respect or any number of other things, the brain will literally dummy you down emotionally to protect you from heartache for example. Yes, people can actually die of heartbreak. It can happen quickly, or over a long period, as in an abusive, unloving relationship, but the arteries will harden and the heart will eventually, prematurely break.

When this is happening, on my couch, the same couple that may look like they are numb and emotionless due to lack of emotion are actually feeling too much emotion and since our brains number one job is to keep us alive, it has shut us down emotionally to protect us from further harm, divvying out painful emotions a bit at a time as we grow stronger.

I am telling you this because this is perhaps what you are feeling when you feel nothing…sadness, and may actually end your relationship before you’ve at least gone through the appropriate steps to understand what is actually happening here. Thus, the following is of vital importance.

How does one validate? Well, there are actually four steps that you should take before you think of ending a relationship, which are the following:

1. Make a request: If there is something that you wish changed, make a request for change. Make sure you’ve gotten feedback that your partner understands exactly what you want changed, why you want it changed, and how important it is to you. Just explain it once. It’s my opinion that if you say it more than three times your nagging. Nagging will only get you temporary fixes, but will eventually lead to animosity and resistance etc… A lesson I hope you’ve learned by now.

2. Lead by example: Don’t ask anyone to do anything that you are not willing to do yourself, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. For example, if you want your spouse to get in better shape, begin exercising yourself. As they see that you are serious and as they see how much better you feel and look, they may very well just simply jump on board. The same goes for attending church. Occasionally when you go, you may ask if they want to go, but whatever you do, don’t do it in an accusatory tone, roll the eyes or make a face when they say no, which they will. There’s a fine line between asking and nagging. You just have to feel it out.

3. Cope with hope: After a valid request has been made you are assured that you have been heard and understood, and after you have led by example, which may take months, even years, all there is left to do is let go and let God. Coping with hope is a continuation of acting and being as you would wish your partner would act and be and do that until there is no hope left. Caution, this may take longer than expected and is best done with much prayer and suppication.

4. Cope with Nope: Once the above has been attempted and you are well on your way of being who you want to be, you may find that you can live with the other person’s lack of interest to change in the area that you had wished for them to change. Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself. With that understanding, you may find in this area that your request was irrational in the first place, perhaps based on some ideal relationship idea, or something you’ve been told on Oprah. Either way, you may be able to simply accept that we are different and he/she has more good qualities then bad ones. Caution, this is often where you decide to become a victim as well. Yes, to be a victim is a choice, a choice to give up your power, your voice. It’s it much like choosing a slow death.

5: Alleviate yourself from the stressor: In this last step, you’ve come to realize that you will not live with this anymore, and it would be in both of your best interests to turn your back on it and leave it behind you. This should only be done if the above steps have been attempted. Word of caution, this is no place to play games. When you do leave, leave without looking back. Let it go and move on. You will feel lighter, free, relieved, and reborn in a sense. If you don’t, you’ve obviously botched up one of the other steps. Caution, religious legalism and cycles of abuse can often keep you from taking this step and you may be plagued with self doubt. Listen to your knower. This is where the Holy Spirit dwells. Somewhere deep inside you is a voice, as still small voice that I call your knower. You know, that you know, that you know in your knower. Develop an ear for your knower because it knows the truth about you.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. Tim ☺ ♥ ☮