Empathy for Blonds

timism of the day: Empathy for the Blond moments

The other day I wrote an article on Empathy and another on Blond Jokes at the same time and as an experiment sent them out on Facebook to see as to which would get more responses. In-so-doing, not to my surprise, I saw about an average of 30 to 1 in favor of the blond jokes. Thus, I stated that perhaps that is what I should write about from now on. Pulp Timism’s per se, or perhaps death to the timism. Someone suggested I combine the two and write about empathy with a blond, several others agreed, so in an attempt to compromise, I did just that and here it is.

OK, ladies, let’s be honest. Everyone knows one or has been one — the good girl stuck on the bad boy.It’s a phenomenon: the reoccurring nightmare of capable women choosing needy and dysfunctional men. Females, who are charming, well educated and successfully employed mysteriously compromising their lives and futures by having blond moments with, for lack of a better word, losers.

Blond moments appear to cross all age, ethnic and socioeconomic lines, more descriptively, the pattern is one in which females of virtually any age, from teens to seniors, attach themselves to males who are significantly less capable, achieving or functional than they are. But what makes the leather-clad, motorcycle-riding bad boy so appealing? What does she see in the commitment-phobic, party animal man-child? What’s so attractive about the older, mysterious (read: oftentimes married) man?

According to research into why women have blond moments for Mr. Wrong I have found some interesting answers. I have counseled girls and women, ranging in age from 16 to 70, high school, to graduate students to professional women, to members of the AARC and they all had some of the same basic answers and universal responses as the research indicates. They all have been in this situation at some point in their lives or have known someone, their sister or their friend who has dealt with a blond moment.

But Why Be Blond with Him?

Once all the data had been analyzed to pinpoint reasons why women choose to have blond moments with negative types of men there have been identification of six causes, or ‘strands’ as I identify them, that lead to these blond moments. I refer to them as strands because there appear to be many ‘fibers’ that combine to produce the motivation embodied in that strand. In addition, often women have been able to point to more than one motivation, one strand that generated (their) relational blond moment choice, as there are several differing flavors.

The Blond Moment Strands:

The Blond Moment Self-Image Dilemma of Low Self-Concept or Self-Esteem:

Self-concept, as it applies to why females end up in relationships with less capable males, appears to dictate to certain women that they are simply not deserving of a more worthy partner. Consequently, for women who suffer from a diminished sense of self, finding a ‘match’ can translate into pairing with a man less capable than themselves. Although her friends and family may see that the pair is obviously mismatched, the woman, in a blond moment views her partner as an equal or believes she is getting all that she deserves from a relationship.

The Blond Moment Need for Nurturing:

Nurturing is the most common strand identified by women in blond moments. There are, of course, many explanations for why women are drawn to this behavioral pattern. Anthropologists would account for caretaking behavior as being biologically rooted in a female’s nature. While men, through the millennia, have been hunter-gatherers, women tended to the nest and the offspring. It is a traditionally held view that, even in the age of the computer, feminism and the two-income household, women retain their biologically driven instincts to look after others, even to the point of blond moments with a guy who has no job, legal income and thinks of gasoline as a cologne choice, and as tattoos as a shirt alternative.

The Blond Moment Need for Excitement:

Do nice guys finish last? In the case of women in this strand of blond moments, sorry gentlemen, but YES. Ironically, many women seem drawn to men who don’t treat them as well as nice guys do. These guys are seen as more exciting than the conventional, good guy. In many ways, this strand represents a polar opposite of the first two strands. While the first two suggest introversion, domesticity and perhaps personal uncertainty, the excitement strand represents a desire on the part of some females to back away from traditionally held values related to dating and mating. Many women and girls often speak ambiguously when they fit into the excitement strand. They speak about how the nice guys of the world don’t pose a challenge, don’t offer much in the way of adventure. Conversely, they are puzzled and, at times, disappointed in their own weakness in allowing themselves to be manipulated by the Twilight’s of the social world. But some girls and women are drawn to these men and that excitement nevertheless.

The Blond Moment Need to be Nurtured:

This strand plays on a woman’s desire to be cared for by what some people jokingly refer to as the “sugar daddy,” described as typically, an attractive male who is older than the woman by at least a few years. This man brings elements of status to the relationship, such as a nice car, extravagant trips or lavish spending. Young women in these relationships may feel admired or even envied by their girlfriends or others in their social circles in their blond moments.In the beginning, he is attentive, exciting, romantic and powerful in a sheltering and supportive way. Unfortunately, things change.

These blond moments can get rather dicey as there’s a downward progression toward possessiveness, suspicion, manipulation and, eventually, abuse. In many ways, it imitates the experiences of young women who are seduced into lives of prostitution. Promises of support, affection and protection later generate only neglect, disdain and abandonment. Women who seek to be nurtured invite essentially the same deteriorating progression. The blond moments of these girls and women have their roots in their developmental experiences, principally in their relationships with the men who served — or more likely, did not serve — as father figures.

The Blond Moment Need for Control:

This is a common strand identified by more mature women; this strand is, in many ways, more complex and difficult to understand fully than many of the others. Its origins may be the most difficult to trace and, in all likelihood, probably has its beginnings in many disparate areas. The female who is seeking control, either consciously or unconsciously, may be exhibiting learned behavior from a dominant mother. In these relationships, either underlying insecurity is guiding these women to needier males, or the women are simply acting out their commitment to a feminist view, which makes them determined not to be dominated by any man. Furthermore, the controlling female is the psychological ‘mother’ to her passive-aggressive partner. The woman who seeks control is buying into a trade-off situation. The compromise involves tolerating the nonachieving behavior of a mate for the right and ability to make the decisions, to call the shots, in the relationship.

The Blond Moment Need for Chemistry:

Chemistry is the miscellaneous, there’s just something about him — a certain je ne sais quoi,” catchall strand. Chemistry addresses the inexplicable biological magnetism and is aimed at accounting for the blond moment relationships which do not fit into any of the previous five (strands) of blong moments. It accounts for relationships between individuals for whom there are no obvious common interests or personality matches. This strand accounts for why a given woman may concede that a given male is attractive without actually being attracted to him. Conversely, it also explains why a woman is drawn to a male who, on a more rational, cognitive level, she concedes has seemingly little to offer in terms of physical appearance or social status. The blond moment chemistry strand also includes biologists’ theories on pheromones, endorphins and motivations driven by unconscious genetic matching. I admit that it might sound extreme, but the chemistry blond moment offers an explanation for some of the ugliest and most confusing blond moments that simply cannot be accounted for otherwise.

Preventative Measures to Counteract the Blond Moment:

After identifying your particular flavor of blond moment, here are a few strategies to help counteract the blond moment into healthier relationships.

Among my suggestions:

*Recognize personal tendencies.
*Recognize that sense of self determines direction.
*Understand that personal beliefs and ideas are the basis of personal choices.
*Learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
*While biology is a powerful influence, understand that individuals ultimately retain the power to shape their choices.
*Do the right thing. Come to grips with family background, values and cultural influences.

As to why I am so interested in blond moments, I’m not, I’m just a data gatherer. I’m just cataloging what research says, and what women have told me. My goal here is three fold, to give the reader what they want, to assist women in recognizing their blond moments, and to also to help parents educate and protect their daughters from a legacy of blond moments. And, well maybe there’s four, to give us nice guys a chance.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim