Relationship Oriented Creatures

timism of the day:

We are all relationships oriented creatures. In fact, God created us to do just that, relate to Him and he then molded others to relate with as well such as Eve and those of the animal kingdom etc… i can even get attached to a fish for that matter. It wasn’t that long ago that my mother found this new hobby of making beta fish plant thingies. When she came to visit for Christmas (see, i didn’t say Xmas), she insisted on making me one. i begged her not to because i knew that this poor fish would die, and knowing me, i would get attached and have to mourn this fish (don't laugh). So guess what i got for Christmas? Yep, a beta fish plant thingie and guess what happened? Yep, it died within a month of her departure and tim had fish remorse, a pain that could have been avoided (stop laughing). But hey, when moms get ideas in their heads, who can stop them?

When my dog passed, someone gave me the book “Marley and Me” to read. That dog by the way looked exactly like mine. It still sits there on the shelf. Can’t read it. May never read it, as dogs have a special place in my heart. Someone asked me one time if i believed dogs went to heaven and i said of course they do. i know that there is no biblical reference to such things, but although all the bible may be true, all truth is not in the bible. If God is Love, and all that dog (Goldie) ever showed me was love, why would she not come running up to me once i make it to heaven, that of course is in the hopes that i make it there. Jury is still out.

If there is any proof that there is a God is needed, sometimes one simply needs to look around them and see that God shows us love even in the pets that we own. i may not know what will happen today, but i do know that if i make it home tonight, my dog will be excited to see me. Something i can always depend on. i made a mistake one time innocently/ignorantly saying to my wife (ex wife) that i wished she would greet me at the door with that same kind of excitement. Not a recommended comment by the way, as it was not received well. I meant well though, perhaps part of the reason why she is referred to as an (ex) now. One never knows really.

To relate, we must communicate, which seems to be a lost art these days as we are coming out of a society that showed men especially to face life with two basic emotions 1) Anger (your coping emotion), and 2) Stoic (your poker face). Thus our forefathers adopted this belief and many of us still struggle with this basic approach to life. Problem is, it doesn’t work, and now, in this generation we are moving dangerously into a whole other type of relationship avoidance via, email, texting, and we call this communication, yet many of us barely know our neighbors, if at all. In fact, in the couples and marriage counseling that i do, one of the big problems is texting instead of calling. People think its ok to look at each other’s phones, question their calls, text’s, and pore over the phone records. If there is not trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. It’s about the same as reading someone else’s journal. One should be able to leave a journal lying about with the full trust and respect that your significant other would never turn a page. We question each other’s time, money, and basically show an overall lack of trust and respect of boundaries in many of our relationships. Although in a relationship we have a certain “oneness”, this does not imply that what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.

In talking about relationships, in my last post i made it a point to say that you can only be as happy as your relationships are good. For a relationship to be good there has to be communication. The number one problem in relationships is the lack of communication, which is the main reason why relationships don’t work out, an unwillingness to communicate, not an inability. This is a choice and a learned behavior and can be changed, if you love someone enough.

Regardless of your upbringing, heritage, cultural differences or communication style, if it is not working you can choose to fix it. There’s no mystery to it. You just have to submit yourself to learning how to communicate. It’s not so different when i was a child and wanted to someday become a studio drummer. Although i had played the drums and piano by the age of 5 or 6 by ear, and had the chops, as they say, to ever become a studio drummer, i had to learn to read sheet music. i resisted, but eventually i got me a teacher and my teacher said, “tim, there’s no mystery here, just learn it, or you will never ever be able to play in a studio”. That’s all it took and low and behold, it wasn’t that difficult, which has paid off big dividends as i put myself through college playing in the studio and worked in advertising writing jingles and such at one point in my life, all thanks to that teachers wise advice.

Learning to communicate is not different. There are rules and guidelines that will literally change your life to the better. If you are in fact a relationship oriented creature, and 99% of your problems in life will be due to conflicts with other people, then how can you lose here. It's a win win.

To first learn to communicate, it is important to understand how your communication style is interpreted by others to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings. The goal is to communicate with assertion and avoid an aggressive, passive-aggressive or passive style of communication.

Use the following checklist to see how you communicate over all or to evaluate a particular exchange you’ve had to see how you can improve on your communication style.
Aggressive Communication:
__You choose and make decisions for others.
__You are brutally honest.
__You are direct and forceful.
__You are self enhancing and derogatory.
__You’ll participate in a win-lose situation only if you’ll win.
__You demand your own way.
__You feel righteous, superior, controlling – later possibly feeling guilt.
__Others feel humiliated, defensive, resentful and hurt around you.
__Others view you in the exchange as angry, vengeful, distrustful and fearful.
__The outcome is usually that your goal is achieved at the expense of others. Your rights are upheld but others are violated.
__Your underlying belief system is that you have to put others down to protect yourself.

Passive Communication:
__You allow others to choose and make decisions for you.
__You are emotionally dishonest.
__You are indirect and self denying.
__You are inhibited.
__If you get your own way, it is by chance.
__You feel anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, angry at yourself and/or others.
__Others feel guilty or superior and frustrated with you.
__Others view you in the exchange as a pushover and that you don’t know what you want or how you stand on an issue.
__The outcome is that others achieve their goals at your expense. Your rights are violated.
__Your underlying belief is that you should never make someone uncomfortable or displeased except yourself.

Passive-Aggressive Communication:
__You manipulate others to choose your way.
__You appear honest but underlying comments confuse.
__You tend towards indirectness with the air of being direct.
__You are self-enhancing but not straight forward about it.
__In win-lose situations you will make the opponent look bad or manipulate it so you win.
__If you don’t get your way you’ll make snide comments or pout and be the victim.
__You feel confused, unclear on how to feel, you’re angry but not sure why. Later you possibly feel guilty.
__Others feel confused, frustrated, not sure who you are or what you stand for or what to expect next.
__Others view you in the exchange as someone they need to protect themselves from and fear being manipulated and controlled.
__The outcome is that the goal is avoided or ignored as it cause such confusion or the outcome is the same as with an aggressive or passive style.
__Your underlying belief is that you need to fight to be heard and respected. If that means you need to manipulate, be passive or aggressive, so be it.

Assertive Communication:
__You choose and make decisions for you.
__You are sensitive and caring with your honesty.
__You are direct.
__You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
__You convert win-lose situations to win-win ones.
__You are willing to compromise and negotiate.
__You feel confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later you may feel a sense of accomplishment.
__Others feel valued and respected.
__Others view you with respect, trust and understand where you stand.
__The outcome is determined by above-board negotiation. Your rights and others are respected.
__Your underlying belief is that you have a responsibility to protect your own rights. You respect others but not necessarily their behavior.

There will be more to this, if i see that there is interest in this topic. When and/or if you do take this little quiz, go with your gut, your first instinct. Don’t ask why, just answer quickly and move on. The more you analyze this, the less likely you will answer it in the way you think it should be answered and you learn nothing.

To be continued...

Remember, to be passive is a choice to give up your power and your voice which is a Lose/Win. Since no one is wired to be this way, a passive person is merely an aggressive person lying in wait.

To be aggressive is to choose to do whatever it takes to get what you want even if it means to hurt someone in doing so. A Win/Lose.

To be assertive is to choose to believe that what you have to say is important, but to be open to others opinions as well with respect, timing and tact. A Win/Win.

To be passive aggessive is really just being aggressive in a secretive or deceptive manner. A Win/Lose

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim