Silent Divorce

timism of the day: People keep talking to me about being in "Covenant" marriages and such, thus i sense the need to address some of these issues delicately, slowly, and efficiently, because when you are referring to your relationship as a "Covenant" relationship, you are talking about a "Love-less" relationship and likely a "Legalist" relationship. Oh, i no you love them, you are just not in love with them anymore. Know what i mean?

In other words, you are together because you feel it may be a sin to seperate, at least legally. You don't want to destroy God's work in you or your partners life. You don't want to disillusion others, and thus be the cause of confusion. We prefer to martyr our lives in the secret hopes that God will somehow intervene. We lead ourself to believe that this is the cross that we are to bear and attempt to convince ourselves that this is an act of atruism, (which i don't believe truly even exists). We even do it for the kids, as if they don't know, and as if you are actually doing them any real favors.

Gosh, what would people say? I don't want to put my kids through that. They deserve better. Yet, the reason you stay together is actually based on fear and selfish motives. How is that pleasing to God? How is that not living a lie? How is that being equally yolked? Thus we live in what i call a silent divorce.
I have also found that when a couple (or half of a couple) avoids intimacy long enough they will end up in silent divorce. I have discovered seven personality types that avoid intimacy. We are in silent divorce when these patterns are stronger than the forces God put within us so that we could become one flesh. Stay in Silent Divorce long enough and even the bonding that God put there (emotional and spiritual attachment) will be broken. When the connection is broken it will feel like love is gone. When a partner says: "I no longer love you" it can be due to anger, hurt and resentment or other issues that can be resolved with good therapy.

More serious is when the bond is broken, attachment and connection no longer present. It no long seems safe to make love. That is when, it seems to me, the marriage dies. We each have a tendency toward one or more of these types. We each could slip into the habit of avoiding intimacy. Any one of us can end up in a silent divorce (or divorce). Do you recognize the marital patterns and personality types that end up in failed marriages? Here are seven:

Emotional immaturity - we have not matured to the point of being ready for adult intimacy.

Emotional woundedness - do to lack of love binding in childhood we failed to gain the capacity for adult loving intimacy.

Flight from life - an avoidant personality with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and risk avoidance.

Super-responsible - so busy caring for others and keeping order that intimacy is avoided (John and Paula Sandford: Parental Inversion).

People Pleasing - our identity lost as we respond by doing what other's expect, being good, doing right, being nice (Performance Orientation).

Dominating Personality - often fearing vulerability or being a victim (again) we dominate and overpower everyone and grab control.

Deepening trust and loyalty issues - hypervigilant to possible threat, in deep need for total loyalty, we have the tendency to become isolated and paranoid.

What are the general ways that we destroy marital intimacy and create a silent divorce? Here are 8 ways that one can limit the personal, the connection, the bonding, the love connection in a marriage or sexually active couple relationship and end up in a silent divorce. Is this related to 'putting assunder what God put together?'

1. Avoid eye contact in sexual contact perhaps by always having the light out.

2. Avoid the calming down together after sexual relations.

3. In conversation, avoid topics that are close and personally relevant.

4. Minimize connection by talking from distant rooms.

5. If in the same room sit out of contact at a great distance from the other.

6. Do not acknowledge or connect with the other’s feelings.

7. Do not ask the other for anything.

8. Don’t tell them when you are in difficulty and need support.

What does the ‘Life Avoidant’ Personality look like? There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight. Such people become very controlling in order to remove the risk of living. Maybe they are not good at 'self-soothing' - that is, they do not do a good job of controlling their own anxiety.

The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. Here is how life avoidance shows up in a relationship:

*Focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave) with soft weak colours (nothing bold) and windows with many curtains and sheers so as to be screened off from the world.

*Avoidance of exposure, public display even nakedness with one’s mate.

*Avoid decisions, confrontations, new situations, creative challenges, travel.

*Live a life at home, within the home, about the home and don’t venture far away from home.

*Unwilling to venture in cottage life, in intimate communication, and in work.

Jesus comments on life-avoidance in the parable of the talents In Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness! So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is death! How this happens:

When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy. When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up ‘touch’ starved. When the genital sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.

When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another. Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul.

By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one in (flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.

When Silent Divorce becomes Legal Divorce:

People will differ in how they handle silent divorce, the weakening and finally the death of the marital bond. Once we recognize that what God puts together sometimes man pulls asunder, not just legally but by neglect, by avoidance, by head in the sand living, by burial of one’s talent, then we are open to learn where people are at and how they are dealing with that reality.

Some couples are not motivated to destroy the appearance of marriage and so keep up the appearance of marriage that we call ‘silent divorce.’ If you observe closely you may find that they also become more distant from God. Some couples make strong efforts to mend and restore their broken hearts and recreate a healthy marital bond. In some one, or both, partners will move on in the direction of life, love and communion with God.

Sound even more familiar? Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim