i Have a Secret

Timism of the day:

One of the things that I call myself in my practice at times is a Professional Secret Keeper. It would seem that we all have secrets and if not dealt with appropriately, can act as ball and chain to our mental, spiritual, and social growth. Secrets are intriguing, as we all want in on a secret. A friend told me the other day of a secret item at her favorite sushi bar menu that she had just found out about that was NOT known to the public, and she had been going there for over 10 years and was now finally “IN”.

Another interesting yet annoying topic that keeps coming up is the book and seminars about “The Secret”. It’s tapering off, but it used to be that I couldn’t go a week without someone asking me about “The Secret”. This book was merely Cognitive Behavior Therapy, with a bit of prosperity doctrine, biblical principles, and a touch of positive thinking all wrapped up nicely and packaged well with a few catchy buzz words and phrases. It was advertising genius, but there was nothing new about it, nor was it a secret at all, sorry. Yet, tens of thousands lined up paying $900 a ticket for the seminars, and who knows how many millions of books were sold. All, old wisdom, biblical wisdom, packaged in such a way that it became to be the “New” New Testament.

I found it amusing when one of the writers was interviewed and proclaimed that a new book was going to be coming out soon. It seemed he had found himself another secret, thus I have to only speculate that this “other” secret, was something he had conjured up, much like the first one, to ride the coat tails of the unsuspected success of The Secret. Why is the book called “The” secret, if he knew of this other secret? Wouldn’t it have been better to call it “A” secret?

Now why am I talking about secrets? Well, it has been said that we are only as sick as our secrets. If the oft repeated 12 step slogan is true then our culture is indeed sick. However, I don’t agree with much of what the 12 step approach has to say, so why should I start now? Although I agree with some of it, I don’t agree with all of it, thus I leave it up to you to decide for yourself as there is a difference between “A” Truth and “The” truth, much like “The/A” Secret.
When it comes to secrets, I do agree that denying the past can doom us to repeat it, as we are a product of our environment to some degree, yet there is always choice. I also would agree that there is a link between adult and childhood trauma and mental health disorders. Yet there still is choice. The pervasiveness of childhood trauma and its long lasting impact is a BIG secret and those who have tenured this and try to talk about their experiences are often shamed and stigmatized. We really don’t want to hear it, what “We” want is to pretend such things do not exist, and we want to view you as an “other”, an anomaly, not the understandable consequence of a sick society. Want to know a secret, there’s a secret!

In telling the truth about many of our issues, we stand the chance of being culturally disavowed. As a clinician, for example, I treat sex offenders. Now, when one treats sex offenders, people have such strong feelings about this that they cannot even comprehend as to why I would even want to be in the same room with one. Thus, once I put this in my advertising, amongst a plethora of other things that I treat, I as a professional am impacted by negative press and some choose to not see me, thinking me flawed in some way, imagine how much more so this stigma impacts those who have been abused or who have a secret.
Thus I am reminded once again that the silencing, minimizing and blaming that can occur when a secret is told is a whole other level of traumatization. This is what I call “Terminal Secretiveness”.

If you do in fact have a secret, understand that avoidance, denial, and not talking about it will not make it better. Realize that nature vs. nurture is a false dichotomy. Our environment (how we are nurtured) affects our brain chemistry. "Chemical imbalances" as the cause of psychological problems rarely exist in a vacuum. In fact, it has been said that evasion and avoidance, aka “laziness is at the root of all mental illness, and, to take it a step further, all physical illness has a psychological derivative. Could holding on to your sickness actually be the cause of you being mentally or physically unhealthy? A valid question don’t you think?

Please DO share your secrets, whatever they may be, BUT with caution. As I have said in prior bodies of work, confide in few. Some have said that even a fish wouldn’t get caught if it kept its mouth shut. Confidentiality is a gift to be shared in the privacy of prayer or with an intercessor God has assigned to your life. God does assign people to your life, and no one comes into your life without His permission, as a believer. He also assigns you to others lives. In-so-doing, be prepared for your divine assignments. Never share your secrets with someone who is unqualified to help you. Proverbs 25:9,10 say’s, “Debate your case with your neighbor, and don’t betray the confidence of another; lest one who hears it put you to shame, and your band reputation never depart.”

If you don’t share your secrets with someone it can become emotionally toxic and can lead to serious physical health and mental health problems, for you, and all around you. Thus, this is NOT just about you.
In the end, some families are unable to maintain their cohesiveness because of secrets, family secrets in particular. Yet, there is little written about family secrets and their impact on marriages, children, and kinship relationships.

Now that I have talked about the importance of secrets and sharing them, it is also important to stress that it is sometimes better to NOT reveal a secret, if it will cause undue and unnecessary damage with no benefit. However, it is the belief of this therapist that most secrets are better brought out into the open.

An example of this was told to me one time as an assistant minister. The minister I had worked with told me a story of a young couple who had come into the church from a rather horrid past, sought refuge, and about a year later had matured into youth workers and being very active in the church. One day the mother confided in the pastor that all things had been laid out and confessed in her life, bar one, that their youngest child, who was approximately 3 years old at the time was not her husbands and that she felt it was time to tell him. The pastor, in his wisdom urged her not to, saying, “Some things are best left under the blood”. She didn’t agree, told him, came back to the pastor the next Sunday, told the pastor that he was wrong, beaming that she had told her husband and that they had cried together, made love and had a wonderful bonding experience. She came back on Wednesday claiming he had packed up all of his things and had been gone for two day without a word. In fact he never did come back.

Now, in hearing this story I know that the first thing that most of us want to do is to instantly hate/blame the man. But think of the mother. If she had considered how they were relatively new Christians, that this would affect the way the father would likely view this child, the child’s view of the father, and the children, as they had 3 children who could all potentially get hurt more likely than not, AND the fact that she had confided in her pastor who urged her to leave it to God, that he was not ready yet changes the view a bit. Now it becomes quite the selfish motive.

Such is the problem with secrets. Although there is much more to discuss on this topic that is enough for one day.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim