Timism of the day: You can't change anyone.

Timism of the day: As a response to a question asked of me earlier today, which may help others as well, I’m going to give another Timism for the day on giving advice to others: First off, it's not wise to give advice, as it will always fall back on you if it doesn’t go well, but you can offer ideas that have worked ...for other people, or paradigm shifts, which is helping one see something from a different perspective, stating it something like, "Have you thought about maybe..." Or, have you read this, or heard about this?” I here it works very well in these types of situations.

One rule of thumb is to remember that YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE. You can however motivate, educate, inspire, support, pray with, agree with, give an unbiased perspective, give a paradigm shift, and manipulate (which is not a bad thing, by the way, depending on your premise).

Without going into all the ethics of my field that I commit to as a clinician, such as non- malfeasance, beneficence, fidelity and a commitment to “do no harm”, for example, as a layperson, given that about 95% or more of our problems stem from conflicts with other people, here's a decision making matrix that often helps. Please make sure to go through all the steps before doing anything drastic.

1) Make a viable request for change and as to how that behavior makes you feel, why you think it’s wrong, and why you feel the way you do about it. Use an “I” message, not a “YOU” message, holding them accountable to behavior only, but not your feelings. Not blaming. In other words, don’t say, “You make me feel like…” Think of a “YOU” message as pointing a finger at them, which is an aggressive move in almost every culture in the world.

2) Lead by example. (Don't ask someone to do something that you're not willing to do, or making some similar sacrifice or change.)

3) Cope with hope. (As it takes time to change, support them through it, if possible. Most people are in denial - which is an unconscious ego defense mechanism. (In other words, they do not see the need to change, not, will not, but cannot.) So, don’t take it personal if they don’t get it right away. Help them see connections between their irrational behaviors and there negative consequences. .tactfully and lovingly

4) Cope with nope. (This is the understanding that they're likely not going to change, but can I live with this? (Perhaps the request was irrational, or you went into the relationship with the intent to change them, which never works)

And, finally, if all else fails; 5) Alleviate the stressor. Turn a cold shoulder and LEAVE, don't look back and don't do this to get a reaction. This would be done in one of the earlier steps if you wish to use that technique; however ultimatums don't have a good track record, nor does all or nothing thinking, group interventions (horrible idea, but makes for good TV). 1X1 Interventions and Paradoxical Interventions do work though in extreme cases, which will have to be covered in another Timism perhaps. MOVE ON, DON’T LOOK BACK, and you should feel a release, a freedom at this point, a weight lifted, lighter on your feet, excited, empowered, a new lease on life etc… And, a little afraid, but don’t let fear get in the way of this. This is a time of faith. It will work out, I promise.

Remember the 70/30 rule. You are always at least 30% responsible for anything that happens in a relationships due to the ebb and flow of chemistry, intimacy on several levels, spirituality, and paralanguage. Figure out your 30%...although it's probably more :-). This rule always gives you power in every circumstance and leaves you with never being fully responsible. There is no such thing as a victim, as THERE IS ALWAYS CHOICE as adults. We can only be victimized. We choose to be victims, a sad way to try to live. To choose to be a victim is to relinquish your voice and power and believe that another’s needs are more important than yours. A passive person will never get what they want, be an underachiever, are prone to potential violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicide more than any other style of living. In these unhappy Covenant marriages and other such legalistic traps that I keep hearing about for example, it's a setup, as a passive person is an aggressive person just lying in wait. Scary though.

Hopefully this will help. If any of you have any further inquiry into this matter please do not hesitate to contact me.