Divorce Can Kill Ya.

timism of the Day: Divorce, It Seems, Can Make You Ill

Married people tend to be healthier than single people. But what happens when a marriage ends?

New research shows that when married people become single again, whether by divorce or a spouse’s death, they experience much more than an emotional loss. Often they suffer a decline in physical health from which they never fully recover, even if they remarry.

And in terms of health, it’s not better to have married and lost than never to have married at all. Middle-age people who never married have fewer chronic health problems than those who were divorced or widowed.

The findings, from a national study of 8,652 men and women in their 50s and early 60s, suggest that the physical stress of marital loss continues long after the emotional wounds have healed. While this does not mean that people should stay married at all costs, it does show that marital history is an important indicator of health, and that the newly single need to be especially vigilant about stress management and exercise, even if they remarry.

“When your spouse is getting sick and about to die or your marriage is getting bad and about to die, your stress levels go up,” said Linda Waite, a sociology professor at the University of Chicago and an author of the study, which appears in the September issue of The Journal of Health and Social Behavior. “You’re not sleeping well, your diet gets worse, you can’t exercise, you can’t see your friends. It’s a whole package of awful events.”

The health benefits of marriage, documented by a wealth of research, appear to stem from several factors. Married people tend to be better off financially and can share in a spouse’s employer health benefits. And wives, in particular, act as gatekeepers for a husband’s health, scheduling appointments and noticing changes that may signal a health problem. Spouses can offer logistical support, like taking care of children while a partner exercises or shuttling a partner to and from the doctor’s office.

But in the latest study, researchers sought to gauge the health effects of divorce, widowhood and remarriage in a large cohort of people over time.

Among the 8,652 people studied, more than half were still married to their first spouse. About 40 percent had been divorced or widowed; about half of that group were remarried by the time of the study. About 4 percent had never married.

Over all, men and women who had experienced divorce or the death of a spouse reported about 20 percent more chronic health problems like heart disease, diabetes and cancer, compared with those who had been continuously married. Previously married people were also more likely to have mobility problems, like difficulty climbing stairs or walking a meaningful distance.

While remarrying led to some improvement in health, the study showed that most married people who became single never fully recovered from the physical declines associated with marital loss. Compared with those who had been continuously married, people in second marriages had 12 percent more chronic health problems and 19 percent more mobility problems. A second marriage did appear to heal emotional wounds: remarried people had only slightly more depressive symptoms than those continuously married.

The study does not prove that the loss of a marriage causes health problems, only that the two are associated. It may be that people who don’t exercise, eat poorly and can’t manage stress are also more likely to divorce. Still, researchers note that because the effect is seen in both divorced and widowed people, the data strongly suggest a causal relationship.

One reason may be changes at the cellular level during times of high stress. In an Ohio State University study, scientists analyzed blood samples of people undergoing the stress of caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease. The research focused on telomeres, which insulate and protect the ends of chromosomes; with aging, telomeres shorten and the activity of a related enzyme also declines.

Compared with a control group, the Alzheimer’s caregivers showed telomere patterns associated with a four- to eight-year shortening of life span. Dr. Waite said the stress of divorce or widowhood might take a similar toll, leading to chronic health and mobility problems.

None of this suggests that spouses should stay in a bad marriage for the sake of health. Marital troubles can lead to physical ones, too.

In a series of experiments, scientists at Ohio State studied the relationship between marital strife and immune response, as measured by the time it takes for a wound to heal. The researchers recruited married couples who submitted to a small suction device that left eight tiny blisters on the arm. The couples then engaged in different types of discussions — sometimes positive and supportive, at other times focused on a topic of conflict.

After a marital conflict, the wounds took a full day longer to heal. Among couples who exhibited high levels of hostility, the wound healing took two days longer than with those who showed less animosity.

“I would argue that if you can’t fix a marriage you’re better off out of it,” said Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, an Ohio State scientist who is an author of much of the research. “With a divorce you’re disrupting your life, but a long-term acrimonious marriage also is very bad.”

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it.

Married People Live Longer?

Timism of the day: You’ve probably heard that joke about the two men who were talking when one asks, “Is it true that married people live longer than nonmarried people?” His friend replies, “No, it just seems longer.”

Humor surrounding married life often evokes laughter because those of you who are married know that it isn’t always easy. But the answer to the inquirer’s question in reality is an emphatic “yes.” Married people actually do live longer, because when compared to their nonmarried friends, they live healthier lives. I was reminded of this point the other day when I read a newspaper article with the headline “Married couples are healthier and live longer – and so do their children.” Ironically, that story was followed the next day by the headline “Study ties marital strife, heart disease.” Two days, two articles, two headlines, both clearly converging to make the same point—a healthy marriage equates to a healthier life.

The first story reported that a study in the United Kingdom found that the mortality rate for those who are married is much lower than those who are single. In fact, the mortality rate for single men between the ages of 30 and 59 was two-and-a-half times higher than those who were married. Single, divorced and widowed women also had higher mortality rates. Widowed men and single mothers were found to suffer from the highest number of chronic conditions. But these findings are nothing new. There are piles of studies that tell us about the health benefits of marriage.

For example, the CDC reported a few years ago from their study of more than 127,000 adults that “married persons were healthier for nearly every measure of health” compared to those who were divorced, widowed, never-married or cohabiting. The skeptic may say that this data simply reflects the fact that healthier people tend to get married, or that just having someone else in the house to look out for you results in better health. But studies have even shown that people who are sick and then get married live longer than those who are sick and don’t.

And other research, including the CDC study, has found that simply living with someone else does not confer the same health benefits of being married. People who live together without tying the knot mirror their single and divorced piers because they don’t reduce the unhealthy behaviors that married people do. Marriage carries with it a motivation and incentive to take better care of ourselves because our commitments extend beyond our own needs to our spouse and children. They depend on our well-being too.

Speaking for my own gender, marriage seems to settle us men down and provides a caring partner who monitors our health, watches what we eat and makes sure we see a doctor once in awhile. This would explain why I have abandoned my habit of eating a hotdogs and/or ramon noodles for lunch, much like I did in college due to not wanting to take the time to run to the cafateria. That decision alone may add 10 years to my life. I don't know about you other guys out there, but I could use some monitoring by a significant other.

The second study I read about adds a new layer to this whole discussion, because it points out an important qualifier to the mountain of evidence that marriage equals better health.The study of more than 9,000 British civil servants, most of whom were married, found that those with bad close relationships were 34 percent more likely to suffer heart trouble, including a heart attack.

Apparently an unhappy marriage can affect the heart in more than one way. So what does all of this tell us? Clearly our marriage, for better or for worse, can have a profound effect on the quality of our physical health. It also punctuates an important point.

We’ve all heard for years about the importance of exercising our bodies so that we can be healthy and stay fit. We exercise so that our bodies do not weaken or waste away. The same is true for marriage. Without deliberate acts of love and respect, a marriage can weaken too. The creeping separateness that can come from years of unhealed hurts or unspoken words will take its toll over time. But unlike when our bodies deteriorate from lack of exercise, a marriage that breaks down can leave a household full of broken hearts—and years of unhealthy emotional heartache and pain.

Marriage takes work. It takes intentionality. The good news is that the payoff for making it work has so many positive benefits for each spouse. A healthy marriage means a more satisfying relationship and a healthier body.

And may I just add a quick note to the single person, like myself that may be reading this: Choose well whom you will marry. As you can see, your decision will affect more than just your emotional well-being.

We hear a lot about the crisis in health care these days. Perhaps hospitals, doctors and health insurance companies should add to their message of healthy living the importance of maintaining a healthy marriage. Children would benefit from this message too. After all, kids who grow up in a family with their happily married mom and dad are more likely to be healthy than kids who do not. Work hard to make your marriage the best it can be. I can’t think of a better way to ensure a long and happy life.

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

Should Doctor's Be Treating Our Feelings Too?

timism of the day: New research reveals grief and marital strife could be as much a cause of heart trouble as obesity and cholesterol. So should doctors be 'treating' our feelings? Perhaps so. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

The Miracel Question and Anxiety

Timism of the day: THE MIRACLE QUESTION

Suppose you were to finish out your day as is typical, you lay your weary head on the pillow tonight, finally fall to sleep, and somewhere in the middle of the night, when you are fast asleep, a miracle happens and all the problems that you brought to bed with you are miraculously solved, like the snap of a finger, VAMOOSE, Gone…just like that.

Now here’s the clincher, since the miracle happened overnight nobody knows about it, not even you. When you wake up the next morning, how are you going to start discovering that a miracle had indeed taken place? What would you notice? What and who would be in your life, and what and who would be out of your life?

This is an interesting question as many of us are not as aware as we may think, as to what, and to whom our problems are, and where they come from, more interestingly, as to whether these problems are actually real or imagined. Given this scenario, which I call the “Miracle Question”, you may be surprised where you would wake up, and to whom is in or out of your life etc... Hard to imagine isn’t it? You see, the question is actually kind of scary, as we may wake up with missing family members and perhaps may even wake up all alone somewhere, at least that’s what we think about at first right? But given further consideration, we may see the contrary.

I pose this question because if this were to actually happen I think many of use would find that little, or nothing had changed at all of significance in our lives, as most problems are in our head. Let’s take for example depression. Those of us who are depressed are likely preoccupied with the past. Depression is typically a preoccupation with things in our past that we wish we could change, but can’t, thus frustration, anger, anger turned inwards, and then depression. Depression, I believe, is focusing on the problems of the past and bringing them into the here and now. When you focus on something that you can’t control, it’s no wonder you don’t like the way you feel. The internal and irrational self-talk is, “If I could only have…then”.

Let’s take the same scenario and bring into it the mind of one who has anxiety. Those of us who choose to worry “anxiet”, or think we have anxiety are anxious, phobic, and have anxiety and/or panic attacks. This is a preoccupation with things of the future. Our modus operandi being, “What if this happens…” Thus, we preoccupy ourselves with things that could happen, typically envisioning the worst possible scenarios of course, and justifying this by leading ourselves to believe that this is in fact preparation.

“One can never be too prepared!” we say, or “Someone’s got to worry about it”. We carry our anxiety around like a badge of courage acting as if we are the only ones that care about detail and obsess ourselves with things we cannot control and imagine things that in all likelihood are highly unlikely to ever happen. None-the-less, we wear ourselves, and those around us, out doing it, with a sense of entitlement.

Those of use who are seemingly not as concerned as you are led to believe we should feel guilty for our lax in judgment and forethought. I commonly refer to anxiety as a cloud of fears without names. Anxieties is indeed fear based and if you were to take and pluck each fear out of that cloud and take a look at it and ask yourself if it is rational or not you will find that 90% or more is irrational and highly unlikely to happen. The few that you do find are rational, problem solve, do what you can do about them and let God deal with what you can’t control. This exercise alone can literally extinguish anxiety with most people if you would just take the time to do it. Anxiety is also quite often a preoccupation with what others think, which is another thing we cannot control.

The thing about anxiety is that there is a far cry from irrationally thinking about the future and preparing for it as compared to awfulizing and catastrophizing about it. You see, what you choose to focus on becomes magnified. If you focus on the future, in particular, the worst scenarios of the future, and you speak it and see it, your “IT” becomes a preoccupation with something you can’t control, something not real and you wonder why you are so afraid, and tired, and frustrated, and probably on or wondering if you need medication to calm down, to sleep etc…etc…

With respect to the above mentioned Miracle Question, I am certain that given the mindset that many of us have, we would wake up with much the same problems, because the problem is in our head, in what we choose to think about. Now you may not be aware of your problem with anxiety, so I have included a list of warning signs to anxiety. Go over them quickly. Check the ones that apply, if any, and see if this is a problem that you may have.

Warning Signs for Anxiety:

· A feeling of being keyed up or on edge

· Avoidance of certain situations because you’re afraid of being negatively evaluated or judged by other people

· Chest pain or discomfort

· Choking, or a constricting/strangling feeling in the throat

· Difficulty concentrating – you mind goes blank – can’t stay on task – don’t finish things

· Dizziness or unsteady feeling

· Fear and/or avoidance of certain people/places/things

· Fear of dying

· Fear of going crazy or doing something out of control

· Feelings of being watched

· Feeling s of being detached or out of touch with your body

· Flushes or chills

· Frequent urination and/or irritable bowel syndrome

· Heart palpitations

· Hot flashes or sweating

· Irritability

· Jumpiness or being easily startled

· Lump in throat

· Muscle tension

· Nausea

· Numbness or tingling

· Panic attacks that seem to come out of the blue

· Perform ritualistic actions (washing hands, checking, counting, wringing hands, needling, having to always have a particular item to handle, organizing etc)…to relieve anxiety.

· Recurring intrusive thoughts (violence, catastrophes, contamination)

· Recurring nightmares, night sweats, recurring night terrors

· Restlessness

· Shortness of breath or smothering

· Situations you avoid because you are afraid or panicking

· Trembling or feeling shaky

· Trembling or shaking etc...

Franklin D. Roosevelt who assumed the Presidency in 1932 at the depth of the Great Depression, at the time of his inaugeration, there were 13,000,000 unemployed, and almost every bank was closed. It was during his term that the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor and global war was plagueing the future peace of the world. Roosevent is noted for saying to the American people, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!”

As profound as that statement may be, anxiety, AKA “Worry”, is actually fear of fear itself. Thus, it is my belief that the thing that someone who worries has a problem with is fearing fear. This preoccupation with fear is nothing new as Jesus himself devoted more time on this topic than any other topic in the new testament, thus let me leave you today with 4 Reasons Not to Worry with some scripture to back it up for those of you who are inclined that way.

What Does the Bible Say About Worry?

If you’re anything like me, I've spent an awful lot of time in my life worrying. I've worried about grades in school, job interviews, approaching deadlines and shrinking budgets. I've worried about bills and expenses, rising gas prices, insurance costs and endless taxes. I've even worried about having my home in perfect condition for "company," and within seconds of their arrival, the house is turned upside down and no one even notices.

I've worried about first impressions, political correctness, identity theft and contagious infections, and as to whether I was going to make it to heaven or not, to name a few. In spite of all the worrying, I'm still alive and well, and all my bills are paid, well mostly. Over the span of my lifetime, worrying accounts for hours and hours of invaluable time, literally chunks of my life that I'll never get back. So, I have decided that I'd like to spend my time more wisely and more enjoyably, because, if not anything else, to worry is to sin. It’s a lack of faith and spending time worrying could be spent on prayer for example, or doing good works, and is simply not productive. If you're not convinced yet to give up your worrying, here are four biblical reasons not to worry.

WORRYING ACCOMPLISHES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING:

I don't know about you, but I don't have any time to waste these days. And worrying is a waste of very precious time. Worrying won't help you solve a problem or bring about a solution, so why waste your time and energy on it?

Matthew 6:27-29 “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.”

WORRYING IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU:

Worrying is destructive to us in many ways. It becomes a mental burden that can even cause us to grow mentally and physically sick to the point that if you’re not careful, you can worry yourself into the mental hospital, or have about the same immune deficiency as someone who has HIV for example.

Proverbs 12:25 “Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.”

WORRYING IS THE OPPOSITE OF TRUSTING GOD:

The energy that we spend worrying can be put to much better use in prayer. Here's a little formula to remember: Worry replaced by Prayer equals Trust.

Matthew 6:30 “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?”
Philippians 4:6-7 “Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
WORRYING PUTS YOUR FOCUS IN THE WRONG DIRECTION:

When we keep our eyes focused on God, we remember his love for us and we realize we truly have nothing to worry about. God has a wonderful plan for our lives, and part of that plan includes taking care of us. Even in the difficult times, when it seems like God doesn't care, we can put our trust in the Lord and focus on His kingdom. God promises that He will take care of our every need.

Matthew 6:25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?”

Matthew 6:31-33 “So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”
1 Peter 5:7 “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” So, given the above mentioned Miracle Question with respect to anxiety and worry as today’s focal point, if this miracle happened to you tonight, do you think your life would be any different? Would you notice? Or, would you worry it right back to where it had been before?

Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim

I would rather be ashes than dust!

Timism of the day: I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist.

I know what to do, so why am I not doing it?

Timism of the day: I know what to do, so why am I not doing it? That’s the million dollar question, so today, and perhaps throughout the next few days, as time provides, i will attempt to help you, my FB friends, myself included, to explore this internal question with the hopes that we can make the appropriate change...s internally, which will of course manifest themselves externally.

So why are we not doing what we know to do? One of the first things that comes to mind is that we probably don’t believe that we can. Here are a few beliefs that i have heard over the years in my practice by people just like you and me, (normal people going through extenuating circumstances) to explain why they do not engage in healthy pursuits. As you read these, be honest with yourself and check off all of those that you have heard yourself saying at some time or another. No ones watching, so be honest, go with your very first instinct. Whatever you do, don’t pause, just read and check it off. The quicker you answer and check, the more likely that you are being honest with yourself. Here they are:
· I am to busy.
· I don’t have the time to shop for the right foods.
· I work too many hours to be able to exercise.
· I have too many children at home to take care of.
· I have too many children at home to take care of.
· I can’t keep track; I am too busy.
· I have too many family problems.
· Healthy eating is too expensive.
· I don’t need to exercise; I walk all day at work.
· I have a low metabolism so I can’t lose weight.
· I am under to much stress at work.
· My family cooks all the foods I like, and I can’t refuse.
· I don’t know what healthy choices are.
· I can’t stick to a strict diet.
· I live in a dangerous neighborhood so I can’t exercise.
· I lost the list of foods I need to stay away from.
· I don’t like any of the foods that are good for me.
· With the holidays, it is impossible to stick to my routine.
· I’m not the one who buys the groceries.
· I have too many other health problems.
· It is too late. I am too old.
· I have tried every kind of exercise and diet, and nothing works.
· I just take extra insulin if I eat too much.
· My doctor never tells me that I have to lose weight.
· My scales are broken.
· My exercise bike is broken.
· I am hungry all the time.
· I am bored, and I eat all day long.
· It’s too painful to exercise.
· It’s inconvenient.
· I don’t have time.
· It’s boring.
· It’s hard to keep up.
· I’m too out of shape.
And/or other: List your own: ______________________________

These listed reasons/excuses can be organized into 6 distinct categories:
· Lack of time (I’m too busy.)
· Lack of money (Eating healthy is too expensive.)
· Lack of knowledge (I don’t know what healthy choices are.)
· Lack of ability (I have too much pain to exercise.)
· Lack of motivation (I know what to do. I just don’t do it.)
· Lack of optimism (It is too late, and I’m too old to change.)

Be Careful who you align yourself with!

Timism of the day: Be Careful who you align yourself with!

There’s a concept that i use in my theft intervention classes called “The Money is Time Concept”. Now perhaps you’ve heard it the other way around, but in this context, in order for money to have value there is always an agreement and transaction. An agreement to work is an agreement to give someone our time for the transaction of money. So, let’s say we agree to $10 per hour for example. In this case then, MONEY IS TIME. The only exception would be finding money, winning the lottery etc…

Now, let’s examine the issue of TIME. We only have so much time in our lives, so in that sense there is an assumption that time is important to us. In fact, TIME IS LIFE. For example, at $10 per hour, for us to buy a $500 television, we would have to give up 50 hours of our time, which in effect is 50 hours of our life.

Murder, Slavery and Stealing all have “TIME IS LIFE” in common. The only difference is the amount of time. Now, I understand that most of us would never murder somebody, or put somebody in slavery, but by stealing, we are doing the same thing. When we steal, the only difference is the amount of time/life that we are stealing from someone. Thus by stealing, we are aligning ourselves with those who murder and enslave.

The person that we have victimized has to take their time and life to make up for the crime, thus, if a $500 television was stolen, what was actually stolen was 50 hours of their life, which they can NEVER get back.

Now let’s take that just a step further and evaluate other things that steal time, such as avoidance, silence, neglect, evasion, work, and laziness, to name a few. Did you know that every time we refuse to communicate and avoid each other, we are actually stealing a piece of someone’s time? Many times when we choose to bring that 30 pack home, that bottle of liquor, or that drug home, we are choosing to check out emotionally and thus neglect those we love, stealing precious pieces of life. Have we thought about our jobs, or friends, or any other activity that we use, many times unknowingly, to separate us from our loved ones and how that is perceived as neglect, avoidance, and contributing to one feeling useless, unloved, and thus robbing them of precious pieces of life.

The silent treatment is a good example. Many of us use the silent treatment to essentially gain control. We hold those near and dear to us hostage, in essence saying that if you cross me, or don’t do things the way that I want them done, then you will suffer abandonment until I feel like it is time for us to make amends always with us wielding the power stick. This is aligning you with the worst of the worst types of criminals, those who murder and those who enslave, the very people that many times CAN’T feel because they are sociopaths, but you CAN feel, but choose to cross THE HURT LINE.

The more times we choose to cross THE HURT LINE, the easier it gets, and even worse, the more justified we feel, however, every time we CHOOSE to do this we are not only hurting others, but ourselves, leaving all parties unhappy.

Every time we CHOOSE to neglect, abandon, avoid, be silent, and not communicate with those near and dear to us, we are stealing precious pieces of their life that can NEVER be regained, and aligning ourselves with those who murder, and enslave, and CAN'T feel. It’s a very selfish thing we are doing and much much more harmful than we may ever know or imagine, and many times we are not even aware that we are doing it. Consider the damage. Consider the alignment. Most of us have never looked at it this way, and didn’t know. Well, now you know. Now it is a choice. Just take the MONEY IS TIME CONCEPT and replace the money with ______________ IS TIME and TIME IS LIFE. So, again I say: Be careful who you align yourself with, LIVE’S DEPENDS ON IT!