timism of the day: What kind of woman falls in love and marries a man who hates women? What keeps her in unhappy relationships? What does she do to reinforce his cruel behavior? The quintessential Christian codependent woman of course. Early in life she learned to take the role of the responsible child or the placate. She discovered that positive strokes from others were connected with caretaking behaviors, so she learned to repress her needs, feelings, and desires in order to become the model child. Adults would comment that she was “four going on forty.” Helpful, kind, caring, always ready to nurture, this woman learned to be obsessed with what others need; meanwhile, she neglected and denied her own needs.
Codependency is a learned pattern of attitudes, feelings and behaviors that makes life faithful. It leads to a lifestyle to which one’s own needs are neglected because one is so deeply absorbed n taking care of others. After a while, the codependent person finds that she has little or no identity apart from those for whom she is caretaking. Codependent behavior that is learned early in life is seen as normal, desirable behavior. When the woman was raised in the Christian environment, such caretaking is often reinforced by well meaning Sunday school teachers and pastors. It is confused with humility and Christian servitude.
Others may have interpreted religious beliefs as a mandate to caretake. Be cheerful givers, we are told. Go the extra mile. Love our neighbors, and we try. We try so hard. We try too hard. And then we wonder what’s wrong with us because our Christian beliefs aren’t working. Our lives aren’t working either. Christian beliefs work just fine. Your life can work just fine. It’s rescuing that doesn’t work. It’s much akin to trying to catch butterflies with a broomstick, one could say. Rescuing leaves us bewildered and befuddled every time. It’s a self-destructive reaction; another way codependent’s attach themselves to people and become detached from themselves. It’s another way we attempt to control, but instead become controlled by people. Caretaking is an unhealthy parent –child relationship, sometimes between two consenting adults, sometimes between an adult and a child.
Codependent Christians usually carry an extra burden of guilt; they take life and Christianity too seriously. Expecting themselves always to be helpful, loving, and kind becomes a ball and chain. Caretaking becomes linked closely to martyrdom; taking up ones cross and following Jesus. Self-sacrifice goes out of balance. Rather than living one’s life with a sense of peace, joy, and serenity according to a grace theology, the codependent believer is ruled by and iron law of works and try as they may it doesn’t work. It just doesn’t work. Just sayin. Take it. Test it. Teach it. tim
